Holiday Minefields: Ideas for Broaching the Kid Question

During this year-end like no other, people are going to ask when their loved ones are going to have kids. Questions on the topic are ubiquitous, especially during the holidays.

But asking about kids isn’t as innocuous as it might seem. For instance, what if a messy breakup is in the offing. Or fertility treatments aren’t working. Or an unpartnered relative or friend isn’t ready to go it alone, especially during the pandemic.

Potential minefields abound. Still, you want to know.

If your goal is finding out about future progeny, the time is ripe to exercise conversational options that will pay off now and in the future. As today’s young adults navigate their supposedly fertile years, fewer will likely bear children.

The Cassandra Company has tracked emerging trends in youth for over 20 years. Their pre-pandemic Ages and Stages report revealed that “nearly one-third [of Millennials] do not want to have kids at all, either because they don’t want to give up their flexibility (thirty-four percent) or they don’t want to take on the responsibility (thirty-two percent).”

That was before COVID. Should projections become reality, today’s parents and grandparents will have fewer grand- and great-grandchildren and more opportunities to better understand those who may not have kids. Ever.

Even if you think having kids is the best outcome for loved ones, touting your conviction won’t change their reality. Instead, you may find those who want them go silent and those who don’t become defensive or resentful.

This year, with worries about finances, housing, job security, and the health of the planet stronger than ever, how can parents approach nonparents more effectively?

Deciding to accept differences occurs in the privacy of one’s own heart and mind. Value judgments are counterproductive to building strong relationships with loved ones, especially now.

If you accept not having kids is a valid option, nonparents will be more inclined to open up. If you can’t, consider not asking about kids and gracefully broach another subject.

On the receiving end, many parents seem to have a stockpile of ready responses when we say we’re not having kids right now (or ever). In fact, these comments are so predictable, another usage has been coined for an old word—bingo: A put-down or criticism of a life choice.

You might even hear a nonparent mutter “bingo” under their breath when these typical responses are expressed:

“You’ll live to regret it.”

“But you’d be such a great parent!”

“Aren’t you lonely without them?”

“You’ll change your mind.”

“You never know true love until you look into the eyes of your child.”

“Children give life its meaning.”

“Not having kids is selfish.”

“Who’s supposed to take care of you when you’re old?”

“You aren’t a real woman if you don’t give birth.”

These retorts are not reserved for the childfree. Those who want kids frequently hear them, too. Try rereading the list with someone experiencing infertility in mind.

What’s tough about these responses is the underlying assumption that one way of being, i.e. having kids, is both right and accessible for everyone. Neither is true. Pressing one’s own position on another results in a funky shift in the interpersonal dynamic, especially between friends and family members.

Consider your intention behind asking about kids. Can you substitute another, less personal question? Or try a different approach?

Open minds are curious. Accepting hearts are compassionate and kind. Interested voices are soft in tone. When talking about children, if you can suspend judgment and explore the topic with those who don’t have them, you may be in for some surprises.

Here are ideas for respectfully getting at what you’re wondering about.

Be considerate of others’ reactions.

Make it a habit of noticing how someone expresses themselves about not having kids. Subtle cues provide options for responding more thoughtfully. Take a breath before replying, and trust your gut.

Examples:

“Sorry. That’s a personal question, isn’t it? How about we talk about something other than kids.”

“I imagine you hear insensitive comments from some parents about how important having kids is. What do you wish parents would say or do?”

Own your experience; be open to theirs.

You don’t have to drop all references to progeny. Children play a huge part in most parents’ lives. We know that. Just add more curiosity about different perspectives.

Examples:

“I love being a mom but can’t imagine how I’ll do once the kids leave home. Tell me about what captures your time and attention, so I can better appreciate options.”

“My cousin is getting a lot of guff from her parents, and I’d like her to know I’m a source of support. Do you have ideas about how I can do so tactfully?”

Notice your airtime.

Talking about your own children might be natural, but with a nonparent the conversation often becomes one-sided. With friends and family members, do they know more about your life than you know about theirs? Make choices to rebalance the relationship.

Examples:

“I promise I won’t flash every kid photo I have. Here are three of my favorites. Then I want to hear about you.”

“Look at me—talking about all my grandkids again. What’s new with you? Please, bring me up to date.”

When learning someone doesn’t have kids,

Do:

• Ask if it’s okay to ask questions.
• Notice their reactions.
• Express your curiosity respectfully.

Don’t:

• Offer condolence, suggestions, or solutions, unless asked.
• Pity, pamper, or try to comfort them.
• Judge or make assumptions about their situation.

Trying a different approach may be the most welcome gift you can offer your loved ones this year.