The Different Faces of Twin Estrangement

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Not All Twin Estrangements Are Alike

Twin estrangement starts with unresolved anger between twins in childhood. Perhaps one twin is favored over the other twin for parental personal reasons. Another explanation is that one twin is in need of more attention because of a visual, emotional or cognitive disability. Whatever the reason, these individuals are aware of how they are being treated in comparison to their twin. Without a doubt, there are long-term consequences to how twins are treated differently.

It is a simple decision and an obvious one for parents to see their twins as different and in need of certain special types of attention and communication. But there are serious consequences to how individuality is developed, as well as long-lasting effects on personality and mental health. For example, Mom sees one twin as calmer and more like herself. The calmer twin is favored for emotional reasons by the mother. The more adventure-driven twin is favored by Dad, who is a frustrated world traveler.

In my experience, parental favoritism is a strong determinant of individuality and estrangement. The connection between favoritism, parental personality, and twin estrangement deserves more study.

The Parental Dilemma

Parents who see their twins as different are miles ahead of parents who see their twins as “halves of a whole” or copies of one another. Different relationships between parent and child are basic to the development of individuality. However, favoritism can go too far and create anger and distrust between twins.

Here is the parental dilemma. Finding truly unique individuality in twins is crucial. And yet, estrangement grows out of how twins are treated differently.

Individuality can be based on real differences, parental favoritism, or an illness or disability that requires extra help. Parents must be careful to correctly observe differences between their twin children and nurture those differences. Making a note of “observable natural differences” is the best way to prevent future estrangement.

Just as not all twins are alike, not all twin estrangement is similar. One general theme I can identify is that parents who observe real differences between their twins and react to them appropriately have a good chance of not having to deal with their twins’ estrangement. When parents are not adequately attuned to their twins, different forms of estrangement appear.

The following estrangement patterns are based on my early research with twins and my consultations with twins over the years (Not All Twins Are Alike, 2003; Alone in the Mirror, 2012; Twin Dilemmas, 2017):

Opposite Parental Treatment Estrangement

Opposite parental treatment estrangement is based on black-and-white twin differentiations, such as the “good twin” and the “bad twin” or the “visible twin” and the “invisible twin.” I have labeled this pattern of twinship “split identity.” These superficial projections create anger and resentment between twins, which begins the estrangement process early in life.

In general, this treatment pattern is based on the parent’s perceptions and projections. Deep anger and even physical acting out are present in this pattern of estrangement. With knowledge, education, and psychotherapy, anger between split-identity twins can be worked through in some basic ways. But these labels seem nearly impossible to get rid of in the long run. Estrangement can be understood and minimized but not eliminated.

Lack of Individual Attention Estrangement

Enmeshment between twins occurs because there is not enough differentiation made by the parents, which creates estrangement. Parents are overwhelmed by their twins’ physical and emotional demands. They encourage their children to depend on each other as parent figures. The parents say things such as, “Take care of your twin.”

Also, Mom and Dad use the attention their twins get from outsiders’ staring and commenting about their alikeness to help contend with the extra work that goes into raising them. I have labeled this pattern of twinship “interdependent identity.” When overly close twins see or are made aware of their differences, they become infuriated and often “block” their twin from their life. This is painful for the twin who is known as the “stupid,” “fat,” or “lesser” twin.

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In addition, the more entitled or better-off twin misses her twin’s support and attention. Distance and avoidance are consequences of this type of estrangement. But interdependent identity twins have great difficulty being apart from one another because, metaphorically speaking, they see themselves as one.

Most often, estrangement is later resolved because these twins cannot tolerate being separated. Fighting and disappointment between the pair continue on and on. Short periods of estrangement are followed by extreme interdependence.

You Can Only Trust Your Twin Estrangement

Fostered by their parents’ need to control their twins, this type of estrangement develops based on fear of outsiders during childhood. The stronger twin grows to resent taking care of their sibling and humiliates and ignores them. Gradually, these twins separate and find twin replacements when they are missing their twin.

Understanding and healing what caused this type of estrangement is intense but can be gradually worked out. These twins can get along later in life.

You Need to Get Along Estrangement

Chaos in the home environment creates this type of estrangement. Twins “parent” each other because their parents are absent or angry most of the time. Serious co-dependence is normally seen in this pattern of twinship.

Separation is difficult for very close twins, and estrangement is not necessarily a serious issue for them. Unlike twins who are too close, these twins have successfully experienced being independent from each other, and they enjoy the rewards of being on their own.

Conclusions

While popular mythology suggests that all twins can and should get along, this mythology is absolutely untrue. In reality, too much closeness and sharing can be dangerous to the twin relationship. Focus on getting along does not allow individual identity to develop and creates more fighting.

When parents are able to develop unique relationships with each twin, estrangement is unlikely. Of course, fighting and different perspectives naturally arise between twins, but solutions can be created because competition to be the best or the right twin is not as important. Their identity is not founded on their twinship. Individuality that is strong can and will counter disagreements, no matter how serious those disagreements may be.