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Understanding Twins
How Can I Raise My Twins to Get Along? Parenting from 1980‒2022
Part II: How fertility drug usage changed a lot.
Posted March 3, 2022 Reviewed by Lybi Ma
As fertility drugs became a more accepted way for parents to have children, the twin-parenting approach changed for the best. For the most part, just living through double-trouble twins was enough in the 1940s, '50s, and '60s, because unique twin developmental issues were not openly spoken about by parents. Unfortunately, many parents thought that psychology was “hogwash.”
When more twins were born to parents who wanted twins and were prepared to raise them to the best of their abilities, then parents, psychologists, and educators began to tackle the ideas of developing individuality and independence between twin pairs. Public and private schools made policies to separate twins in kindergarten. Mothers of Twins clubs made suggestions to their members, implying that dressing twins alike and allowing them to share friends was something to avoid when possible.
In general, parents became aware of the value of separating twins and allowing them to make their own choices. “Compare and contrast” was finally seen as a serious issue to be avoided with your twin children. (Avoid comparing and contrasting, but don’t avoid knowledge of the issue.)
Fortunately and unfortunately, the parenting trend about developing individuality had good and bad consequences. Giving each child a unique sense of themselves when selecting new clothes, toys, food, play, and activities was very positive and brought about more independence and a unique identity for each twin. What was not helpful, or less than fully helpful, was suggesting that focusing on individuality was the only thing a parent had to do to raise healthy twins.
Unfortunately, the over-focus on individuality created, or made worse, competition between twins. Competition leads to fighting. More thought and strategies are of course needed to develop a twin attachment that is substantial enough to withstand the comparisons that twins are always subjected to by each other, onlookers, and family. Here are some issues to work on to develop a substantial and long-lasting relationship between your twin children that will put competition and fighting into a perspective that allows for love and compromise between twins.
1. Communication about each child’s thoughts and feelings.
Directly and indirectly, a reflective communication strategy develops a sense of individuality for each child that is absolutely their own. For example, parents can ask, “How are you different than your twin and how are you alike?” This activity will promote self-reflection even in very young children. Parents will learn the answer about differences between their children instead of using made-up labels to differentiate them.
2. Rules for what comes next.
As early as possible talk to your children about what comes next. This activity serves many purposes. First, your twins will be aware of what comes next and prepare to adjust to new circumstances. Your children will learn the meaning of time, which will of course make your life easier. This is also a way for parents to discuss their expectations and consequences when rules are not followed. For example: “We are going to the market now, if you are not ready you will not be allowed to choose a special treat.”
3. Boundaries.
“This is yours and this is mine” is one of the most important lessons to teach your twin children because twins always want what the other twin has, which creates chaos, fighting, and unhappiness. Children learn to respect authority figures. Mom will say, “If you fight over the blue rocket ship, you will have to give it back to me.” A lesson is learned in this interchange. Mom is boss and will enforce her rules no matter how unhappy it makes her children.
4. Respect.
Twins need to learn to respect one another and show respect to each other. The sooner they know and believe this the better off they will be. Valuing their twin’s accomplishments is necessary to a healthy, lively, and life-long relationship.
5. Kindness.
Sensitivity to your twin can be shown in sharing or affirmation. Often competition is so serious that enhancing the twin bond is ignored. Kindness is the perfect solution to use when there is too much arguing and indecisiveness. Learning to respect your twin is a very very important part of life.
6. Expectations.
Expectations are a necessary part of life, which are easy to ignore with twins when times are busy and chaotic. Understanding the outcome of an event is especially important for twins who like to fool around and cause double trouble for everyone. Twins need to know what the limits of their playfulness can be. I know this only too well because I am a twin. And I am reminded of a set of twins named by their father “Hug” and “Slug” who ran away from the principal’s office when they got in trouble. Finally, when they got kicked out of school, they learned that expectations are serious.
Conclusions
Respond to Real Differences Between Your Twins
Sounds strange but true: Seeing differences between twins is so hard to do at first. I hear my sister-in-law saying, “Twin A looks like Aunt Betty and has the same high-strung personality. And Twin B looks like Aunt Helen and is calmer and a good listener.” Images are drawn up that seem to have a life of their own and create unique identities for twins. But more important are the real differences between your adorable children. And sure, you are tired and worn out from all the feeding and diaper changing and it is easy to fall back on what others have told you.
Stop. Don’t listen to others, listen to yourself. The most important parental interaction that will lead to your success is really knowing each of your children and how to connect with them.
