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Key points
- Some people are embarrassed when they cry at work, but crying is a natural human response.
- It's possible to self-regulate one's feelings to avoid emotional displays at the office.
- Body-focused techniques, like controlling one's breathing or looking up, can help, as can psychological tricks like playing the observer.
How do you stop yourself from crying at work?
This is a question one of my clients, Victoria, asked during coaching.
You see, Victoria was a professional powerhouse. Her peers regarded her as influential within the company, as evidenced by a recent promotion to managing director.
But in our first coaching session, Victoria sheepishly hung her head and said: “I can’t stop myself from crying when there’s conflict. Any time I feel put under pressure, the waterworks start.”
This didn’t surprise me.
As a coach to many sensitive strivers, I often work with leaders like Victoria—intelligent, accomplished individuals who also think and feel things more deeply than others.
Why We Cry at Work
Crying is a basic human response, but the reasons why individuals like sensitive strivers cry are more complex and can be an emotional reaction to:
- Frustration
- Stress
- Confrontation
- Conflict
- Feeling judged
- Deep passion and investment
- Burnout
- Exhaustion
- Witnessing injustice
How to stop crying at work
There is nothing wrong with having emotions in the workplace. Your emotions can be a valuable source of sensory intelligence that can help you make better decisions, empathize, and work effectively. But emotional regulation is also a key leadership behavior.
That’s why, when clients like Victoria come to me wanting to understand how to stop themselves from crying at work, we focus mainly on how managing their emotions translates to greater confidence in themselves and greater assertiveness in interactions with others.
Here are nine ways to stop yourself from crying at work so you can gain composure and put your best self forward.
1. Pay attention to your physiology.
Crying is typically an emotional reaction to stress, which sends your body into fight-or-flight mode. When you experience an emotion, your brain releases neurochemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. Crying is your body’s way of trying to bring itself back into homeostasis.
You can access calm without shedding a tear by controlling your breathing. It may sound simple, but controlled breathing is scientifically proven to lower stress and bring you back to a state of equilibrium.
Before, after, or during a stressful encounter, you can try box breathing—a method used by the Navy SEALS. It involves breathing in for a count of four, holding it for a count of four, breathing out for a count of four, and holding the out-breath for a count of four. Repeat three times.
2. Displace your angst.
If you know you’re going into a situation in which you could become emotional, take something with you that you can squeeze or fiddle with. This can be a small stress ball, medallion, or stone.
Channeling your frustration into an object will ground you inconspicuously. Your body needs a way to process and release stress, and this way, it’s through the object and not your eyes.
3. Cool down.
Keep an ice-cold glass of water by your side and drink up as you feel tears coming on. This lowers your body temperature (which rises when you’re getting emotional). It also gets rid of the lump at the back of your throat, called the glottis.
4. Look up.
Slightly tip your head upward. This helps take your focus away from the immediate source of your tears. It also cuts the flow of tears and pools them so they don’t run down your face.
5. Separate yourself from the situation.
This is an age-old tactic because it works. Request five minutes to gather your thoughts and step outside the room. If you’re on a video call, sign off, get off your chair, and move to a different location. The change of scenery quickly creates distance between you and your reactions.
6. Redirect your focus.
Right before tears flow, you’re likely trapped in your head, worrying that you’re going to humiliate yourself. Your inner critic is going wild. Instead of becoming self-conscious or overly preoccupied with the reason you’re crying, think of something entirely different. Imagine the happiest moment of your life. Contort the situation in your mind’s eye, so you are less negatively influenced by it.
7. Play the observer.
As William Ury says, Go to the balcony. In this strategy, you imagine yourself walking out to a balcony overlooking the situation, almost as if you were watching a play. The “balcony” is a metaphor for detaching yourself from the situation and viewing it as a neutral third party would.
8. Try a few body hacks.
Some people say that pinching the skin between their thumb and pointer fingers helps. As does pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth.
9. Embrace it.
Sometimes you can’t and shouldn’t hold back tears. Crying signals that you have mental and emotional depth and care deeply. You shouldn't have to—and don't need to—apologize for your reaction. Nevertheless, it can help to give other people insight into what you’re feeling from a position of strength, so give context for your emotions. For example:
“As you can see, I’m feeling invested in this, and it’s hitting me pretty hard.”
“You can see I’m having a strong reaction; it’s because I really value our working relationship and want it to be successful.”
“I’m a deep processor, so thank you for giving me space to take in what you’ve said. I’m listening to your feedback and appreciate everything you’re sharing with me.”
It’s human to have emotions. What can make you a great leader is the way you choose to respond and communicate when those emotional reactions do arise. If you take ownership of them, it conveys strength and confidence others will respect.
LinkedIn image: BearFotos/Shutterstock. Facebook image: Olena Yakobchuk/Shutterstock
