Rules, Autonomy, and Love: The 3 Parenting Basics

Helicoptering, gentle parenting, curling dads, French parenting . . . The internet is full of magical "new" ways of raising happier, better-behaved kids. So why is the world full of confused, anxious parents?

Fortunately, it’s not that complicated. Psychologists have been studying parenting for almost a century now. Although parenting is tough, the basics are simple. This piece describes the three central components of good parenting and the one thing I think is the "secret sauce" we forget to talk about.

The Elements of Style

Parenting style is how psychologists describe the general climate of the family.

For example, you sit in an ice cream parlor. In one family, a child is sitting under the table, untying her dad’s shoes. Another is fussing because they got an ice cream cone but they really really really wanted a sundae. The parents are both patient and frustrated. You see them trying hard not to snap.

At another table, a child is angling for a shake but mom asks them what flavor they want and whether they want a waffle or cake cone. The child gives a last plead and decides on the strawberry soft serve.

Different families. Different parenting styles. Different outcomes.

There are three core components that define parenting style.

Rules and Standards

One of the things that made Mr. Rogers so soothing for young children was his predictability. You knew he would wear a sweater. That he would come in singing. that he’d put away his shoes.

At their core, rules, standards, and expectations provide guidelines for children that make their lives predictable. For children, who are trying to make sense of a world full of change, dangers, and confusion, having rules to follow makes them feel safe.

Rules can be explicit: Don’t touch the stove! Or they can be implicit: We treat one another with respect. When parents set reasonable standards that kids understand and can count on, they can use them to guide behavior and think about the consequences of their actions.

The same thing is true of adolescents, although the rules change with age. It is the job of adolescents to find their place in the world, figure out who they are, and push for autonomy. Having clear reasonable guiderails allows them to push and explore safely within a reasonable zone.

Autonomy

It is important that parents teach children appropriate behavior and have expectations for how they will behave. Controlling behavior is not the same as controlling thoughts and feelings.

As a parent, I expect my kids to act respectfully to one another. No name calling. No hitting. No breaking stuff. I don’t tell them that they can’t be angry. Or worse, that they aren't angry.

Note the difference. I set rules for behavior. I don’t impinge on their self or identity by trying to control who they are.

Some excellent work has distinguished between behavioral control—the rules and standards I talked about first—and psychological control—the infringement of autonomy and self I’m talking about here. Behavioral control is associated with all sorts of positive child outcomes, from high self-esteem to good grades. Psychological control is associated with depression and anxiety. Kids feel what they feel. They are who they are. That’s OK.

Unconditional Love

The great developmental psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner said that the one thing all kids need to thrive is for at least one person to be crazy about them. That "crazy" is unconditional love: the feeling that no matter what you do your parent loves you in a way you can never shake. In the psychology literature, we’ve called that "warmth" and "support" and "unconditional positive regard." Secure attachment has components of unconditional love. But it’s always the same thing. It’s that core feeling that the parent's bond to you is unbreakable. No matter what you do, no matter how you behave, the parent is there for you.

The longer I have studied parenting, the more I have come to believe that unconditional love is what allows kids to grow into adults who are confident, who are able to give to others, and who are able to love themselves.

And the Secret Sauce?

One reason that all generalities about parenting are hard to put into practice is that we are parenting kids, and kids are all different. Some kids are social and eager to please. Some kids are shy and quiet. Some kids are oppositional and want to see exactly where that line is between what they can do that annoys you and what they do that will get them a time out.

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Toddlers need a different kind of parenting than first graders—fewer words and more action. First graders need fewer choices and more structure than teenagers. Thirteen-year-olds and 18-year-olds need really different rules.

The secret sauce is looking at your kid. What do they need? Parenting is not about the parent. It’s a gerund—an action word (verb) that acts like a thing (noun). The object of the verb is the kid. They are the important thing.

Good parents respond to their kids, respecting individual differences and differences over time.

The same kid is different every day. Are they tired? Stressed? Upset by something else? Parents need to respond flexibly so what we do in the moment fits what they need right then.

Kind of like surfing—you need the basic skills—those core elements of style—but you have to meet the wave where it is.