8 Reasons a Kind Person Can Come From Difficult Parents

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Adult children tend to resemble their parents, both physically and psychologically. Tall parents have tall kids; challenging parents have challenging kids.

But you probably know plenty of exceptions to this rule. Whereas the parents were harsh, the child is gentle. The parent was selfish, but the child is generous. Narcissistic parents have a thoughtful child. Maybe you’re an exception yourself.

You might have wondered at times, “How did that person come from those parents?!” There are many reasons why difficult parents can wind up with a really decent adult child who treats people with respect and is easy to get along with.

1. Parental Trauma. Parents with challenging personalities may have experienced traumatic events that contributed to their interpersonal difficulties. For example, they may have gone through adverse childhood experiences like the death of a parent by suicide or growing up in a violent neighborhood. These difficulties may have shaped who they are in idiosyncratic ways that were not transmitted to their children.

2. Base Rates of Difficult Personalities. Part of the explanation may be statistical. Unfortunately, there are just a lot of difficult people in the world, including many difficult parents. While it doesn't account for why a person might have an easier personality than their parent, it does explain why there are so many challenging parents.

3. Regression to the Mean. The parent-child discrepancy might also have a statistical explanation, at least in part. Negative personality traits (such as being uncaring) have a range of scores and a mean (or average). Most people tend to score toward the middle of the range, with fewer people far from the mean at the extremes of the distribution.

When the parent’s score is way above the mean, it is statistically unlikely that the child’s score will be that high, since extreme scores are relatively rare. As a result, the more a parent’s personality trait differs from the mean, the more likely it is that the child will be closer to the average—that is, that their score will “regress to the mean.”

4. Gradient of Child Mistreatment Across Generations. Sometimes kids are relatively more agreeable because their parents grew up with much worse parents. In my work as a therapist, some of my clients have described having parents who were critical or controlling, and grandparents who were frankly abusive to their children.

There seems to have been a dilution across generations in which the grandparents were awful to their kids, and the next generation suffered as a result but did not pass on the same level of mistreatment. This intergenerational gradient is not a rule, since abuse or neglect can also be similar or intensify from earlier to later generations.

5. Protective Effect of Siblings. People who go through difficult experiences together tend to develop strong bonds, like soldiers in a war zone. Accordingly, siblings with challenging parents may grow closer as a result of the shared adversity. Having a witness to one’s struggles and a sense of commonality can partially insulate siblings from the effects of their parents.

Unfortunately, difficult parents can also foster problematic sibling relationships, especially if they show favoritism or play on their kids’ sibling rivalries. These toxic parental behaviors can lead to sibling conflict that lasts well into adulthood.

6. Other Supportive Adults. Siblings aren’t the only ones who can protect a person from the emotional fallout of being raised by a difficult parent. Having a non-parent adult who supports and encourages a child can go a long way toward mitigating the effects of parental shortcomings.

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For example, a teacher or coach might recognize and nurture a child’s strengths and hold them to a high standard that brings out their best. Likewise, the supportive parent of a friend might welcome the child into a home that offers a model of healthier family dynamics. As research has shown, having a trusted adult in one’s life can help a child to manage the challenges of home and develop resilience (Ashton et al., 2021).

7. Reactive Effects. In some cases, easy personality traits may have arisen as a direct reaction to challenges presented by the parents—often in ways that were self-protective. For example, a child who was frequently blindsided by a parent’s rage may have developed a highly agreeable personality to avoid making others angry.

While aspects of their easy personality might serve them well, they can also present liabilities, such as having a hard time standing up for their own needs.

8. Vowing to Do Better. Kids learn a lot of their behavior from their parents, and sometimes the learning is about what not to do. Many people promise themselves they won’t make the same mistakes their parents did.

Maybe their own parents were absent, and they vowed to be present, or they felt like they were never listened to, and, so, they make it a point to be attentive to others. Their determination to do better may have helped them transcend the challenges their parents presented.

Lasting Effects of Difficult Parents

Of course, just because a person has an easy personality doesn't mean there are no lasting effects of having difficult parents. For example, an adult child of highly critical parents may continue to struggle with feeling like they are constantly being judged (see this related post, “16 Signs of Being Raised by a Highly Critical Parent”). Or the child of a narcissistic parent might have a hard time trusting that their partner cares about their needs.

It can be helpful to discuss with a therapist or close friend what it was like growing up with difficult parents. While the past can’t be erased, it’s never too late to address the ongoing legacy of one’s childhood.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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