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Key points
- The feeling of being under threat produces reactance in some people.
- Each word that you utter produces a physiological response inside of you that is lived out.
- Negative self-talk can decrease performance and lead to disengagement.
“I feel like I’ve been run-over by a truck at the end of most days—it’s exhausting.”
A former client opened up about the debilitating, chronic mental state he had battled for years. He did not identify as being depressed or anxious. He simply said, “I’m harassed by the negative voice in my head—this has been going on since I was a teenager.” He was eager to explore any avenue that might deliver relief.
Negative self-talk can best be described as the voice of your inner critic on overdrive seemingly unable or unwilling to exit the off-ramp and find relief from repetitive, troublesome thoughts.
If you are currently struggling with negative self-talk or have ever fought this internal battle, it can feel like there is no hope—yet there is light in the tunnel.
These days it’s tempting for many of us to overanalyze problems—especially therapists. Over the years, I’ve learned that a simple approach paired with asking simple questions can lead to big breakthroughs.
According to a study about negative self-talk, published in ScienceDirect and authored by Erika Barrajo, Esther Calvete, and Itziar Urquijo, negative self-talk decreases performance and can lead to disengagement. The National Science Foundation reports that 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. Although these numbers are high, they gift us with a silver lining—there is a lot of space for growth and improvement in the area of healing negative self-talk.
Rather than dive in and request that my client begin to keep a log of his feelings, emotions, and self-talk, I asked him, “On the rare occasion when you feel positive, healthy, balanced, what is happening in your life?" He thought for a split-second and fired back, “I’m at peace, doing something I enjoy. I feel like my guard is down in my best moments."
His answer was not surprising. Most of the clients I’ve worked with who struggle with negative self-talk have also reported feeling as if they are under threat more often than not. The feeling of being under threat produces reactance in some people. The reactance theory was proposed by Jack Brehm in 1966. According to Brehm, when a person has been triggered into reactance by a perceived threat, they expend a high amount of energy trying to regain control. The inner critic and complainer can become so triggering for some people that a majority of their time is focused on subduing the fallout of the reactance.
The bottom line: negative self-talk can trigger a war in your mind that makes you feel as though you’re constantly climbing a steep hill to maintain some level of equilibrium.
For example, a man is having relationship issues and a voice in his head says, “You’re an idiot and it was only a matter of time before she figured it out.” The statement sets off a chain reaction. The man begins to feel bad. Part of him agrees that he is an idiot and the other part of the man starts fighting within himself to defend against the torpedo of negative self-talk assaults. It’s a tiring battle destined to end in a vicious cycle of defeat.
A basic and effective tool to break the toxic pattern of negative self-talk is coming to an agreement with yourself to focus less on thinking about the mental trash messaging that is swirling around in your head and more on affirming self-talk. You can say to yourself, I know negativity may creep in from time to time, but I’m focused on talking to myself in a friendly and warm tone—in fact, being more loving and kind to myself.
If you are not accustomed to using a lighthearted, empathic tone with yourself, expect to feel uncomfortable when you begin to make the shift with intention. By committing to stay the course and become an advocate for yourself from the inside out, you’ll eventually fall in love with the refreshing, affirmative voice that has arisen within you.
Negative self-talk may attempt to creep back in and you will feel put off by it and want to distance yourself quickly.
Each word that you utter produces a physiological response inside of you that is lived out. In the book Words Can Change Your Brain, Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman state, “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
According to the White House Briefing on Mental Health, we spend more than $280 billion per year on mental health care in the United States. It’s a staggering number that could likely be reduced if more people formed the habit of speaking more positively to themselves.
After fighting and conquering a battle with negative self-talk, I recall experiencing a personal rejection and saying to myself, It’s their business and loss. I don’t feel like being in the dumps about it. Years earlier, a similar situation would have emotionally sidelined me for weeks—possibly months.
The sweet, nurturing voice that had been cultivated within provided the strength to move forward and not look back, in that moment and the others that followed.
