What Fuels Caustic Personalities

There's no consensus on what truly makes a person difficult, but one thing most of us can agree on is that individuals we find challenging trigger something within us that does not feel pleasant.

People with caustic personalities can make us wince and turn away — except when they throw the occasional emotional curveball that makes us smile.

And therein lies the conundrum: How can the most grim among us captivate our hearts, minds, and lives, while simultaneously making us feel like we’re on the edge of a narrow mental-health cliff?

The answer is found inside the emotions that abrasive people stir up in those of us who want to love them or rescue them.

According to a study conducted at the University of Georgia, the seven traits that can determine if someone is difficult are callousness, grandiosity, aggressiveness, suspicion, manipulativeness, dominance, and risk-taking. Caustic personalities tend to meet most of these criteria. In general, a caustic personality can be described as someone who is abrasive and critical of others. According to an article in the Harvard Business Review, "Like the proverbial porcupine, an abrasive person seems to have a natural knack for jabbing others in an irritating and sometimes painful way. But that knack masks a desperation worse than that of those who receive the jabs, namely, a need to be perfect. This need drives a person to the point where he or she alienates others and causes significant stress to most people in their lives."

For better or worse, perfectionism often goes hand-in-hand with caustic personalities. Ironically, the way the trait of perfectionism manifests inside relationships with abrasive people is what leaves unsuspecting individuals to form bonds with them that can become toxic and worrisome. People who have struggled in the area of personal self-worth and validation should be particularly cautious, and think twice before pairing up with a caustic personality. The chemical reaction between a person seeking validation and a dominant force who naturally denies it to them, is a recipe for stress or disaster.

A woman reached out to me for therapy a few years ago. She was in what she described as a difficult relationship. She said, “He was decent at first, but I’m exhausted! I can’t do anything right as far as he’s concerned. He sulks, complains, is always serious, very competitive, and almost never gives me compliments. I got a promotion at work. He knew I was excited, and he said nothing! Why is it so hard for me to pull away?”

After a few more sessions, it was clear she was in a relationship with a withholding partner who had triggered her in a negative way — emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The patterns of neglect and abuse she had suffered growing up with her father resurfaced. She shared, “I keep feeling like I need to prove myself in this relationship and jump over hurdles. The problem is, I never can seem to clear them before another 10-foot obstacle is put in front of me. At the start of the relationship, he did some nice things. Not anymore. I’m in the desert, waiting around for a glass of water.”

The water never came, and she wisely left.

People with caustic personalities may be locked into the perpetual work of protecting their egos and controlling what they believe to be controllable in their environments. It's a preoccupation that leaves little time for anything else.