The Pain of Rejection

“It can only mean one thing. She’s not the one for me.”

These words, spoken in such a matter-of-fact way, by a former client may not seem like a big deal at first glance. After all, most of us will deal with some form of relationship rejection. What I found remarkable was he had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt, when facing a relationship rejection a few years prior.

What changed for him?

It was not the pain of yet another rejection. The pain of rejection is real. According to Mari Beckman, a researcher with the Science Insider, rejection is like pain in the brain and scientists have discovered that the same area in the brain gets triggered when we experience both physical and emotional pain.

It hurts when something you are offering is not wanted; especially if that something is you.

What changed for my former client was his mindset about what rejection meant to him personally and how he responded to it. As human beings, we can’t help ourselves—we are compelled to make everything mean something. In the past he made rejection mean he was an unlovable person. With time and supportive therapy, for him, rejection began to mean the relationship or opportunity was simply not a good fit—and he was free to move forward and find a better match.

Today he is in a stable and happy relationship. Ironically, his decision to learn to push through the pain of rejection led him to the acceptance he desired.

Developing the social-emotional skills to handle rejection well is imperative for reasons that are seldom discussed. According to a recent study published in PubMed Central, rejection can threaten the development of social relationships because a lack of attachment is linked to a range of ill effects on health, adjustment, and well-being.

If a person becomes averse to reaching out for social connection because of experiencing rejection in the past, a vicious cycle can take place. Imagine a young woman decides to invite her colleagues to lunch. For reasons unknown, the invitation is declined. If she internalizes the experience and says to herself, "Why did I ask anyway? What’s wrong with me? I just can’t connect," she may avoid reaching out for social connection in the future.

Self-imposed isolation is often the result when an experience with rejection becomes a full-blown fear of it. According to research conducted by Neuroscience News, our bodies experience isolation as threatening and this can make a person feel chronically stressed out.

According to Guy Winch of We Humans, rejections are the most common emotional wounds that we face. It simply makes sense to have a plan to deal with it, in the same way that you have a financial plan or itinerary when you travel.

I help men, women, and youth, from all walks of life, build resilience plans for their emotional well-being. The following are mental health strategies designed to help you rethink your response to rejection.

Rejection is simply a redirection

If you were to take a wrong turn down a dark, dead-end street, chances are you wouldn’t sit in your car and analyze the mechanics of your high beams or engage in a conversation with your GPS. You would likely make a quick adjustment, turn around as fast as possible, and get back on track. Adopt the same strategy for dealing with rejection.

Be grateful that valuable resources are now freed up

I credit my late grandfather with providing the wisdom that has helped me overcome rejection time and again. Whenever I felt emotionally broken down by a rejection, he simply said, “It’s a waste of your time and theirs if they are not excited about you.” What he meant by this was, take your valuable resources and find someone who values them. Grandpa Hood’s advice can work for you too.

Decide that you are being protected

Dealing with a rejection is a perfect time to grow your spiritual muscles. Get quiet when you are faced with a disappointing rejection and remind yourself that man’s rejection is God’s protection. Viewing things from this perspective provides warmth and comfort for your soul.

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Gamify your response

I’m reminded of a 17-year-old client I once worked with. I advised him to turn dealing with life’s disappointments into a game and challenge himself to see how fast he could get back on track. He did not get into the college of his choice. With excitement he shared, “I don’t want to be sad about it. I don’t have time to be sad about it. They missed out! I have other options.” This is a fun and empowering way to handle rejection.

Insist on a silver lining by looking at the bright side of things

Rejection is a byproduct of taking risks. If you are playing a big game in life and reaching for more, you will face rejection. Congratulate yourself for playing on the field of life and not simply being a spectator in the stands.

Rejection is here to stay. Resolve to conquer the pain it can bring and enjoy your life.