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We loved going to Santa Cruz on the northern California coast. Our daughter was at that age (second grade), where everything we did together was an adventure — especially the beach boardwalk. It was filled with rides, those snacks devoid of nutrition you only get at theme parks, and a stay in a hotel room overlooking the beach. Just like the Disney movie, Inside Out, we hoped trips like this would have the potential to create core memories for her, just the way it did for her dad as he was growing up.
But our overly-busy little girl wasn’t earning her paper bunnies for good behavior at school. The chart on her classroom wall revealed duckies, doggies, birds and cats all making more progress on a weekly basis. What? Second grade and she was already finding ways to disturb the calm of her classroom? A note home required I come and chat with her (team) teachers about her errant activities and soon I was armed with a plan; we would threaten her with the cancellation of our impending trip to the Boardwalk if she did not clean up her act at school.
The week ended, however, and we did not alter our plans even though she did not perform at school. Our lazy thinking: why should we rob ourselves of the fun? She won’t remember the deal we made with her anyway. A promise was broken, however, and a precedent was set: Mom and Dad don’t really mean what they say. So she enjoyed the hell out of her weekend with us and returned to school on Monday defiant and no doubt more determined than ever to disturb the shit at school.
Then the teachers found out. And my posterior was proverbial grass. After asking our daughter about her weekend, they learned of our empty threat/unfulfilled promise, called me and read me the riot act. “Don’t EVER do something like this again,” one said. “Your daughter will grow up to not only manipulate you but also to lack trust in anything you say. Your inability to follow through on your promises is a lose-lose for everyone.” Obviously, I’ve never forgotten it.
The problem with threats if that we often make them when our backs are against the wall or in anger, promising that “x” will happen if “y” happens again. In our minds, we don’t truly want to carry through on them; it’s one of the toughest parts of parenting. That’s when must learn to take three steps back, stop knee-jerk reacting to our kids’ misbehaviors and begin using non-emotional promises instead. This is not as easy as it sounds and takes practice, according to PricelessParenting.com’s Kathy Slattengren. “It is far better to choose promises you’d be happy to fulfill rather than angry threats that will deteriorate your relationship with your children,” she says. “When you keep your promises, your children learn to trust your word.”
Livestrong.com’s Kathryn Hatter, a veteran home school educator and mom, offers advice when your kids test your limits. And if you have a challenging child like mine, it’s vital that you change your tactics and get dead serious about parenting in this regard. “A problem occurs if you don’t follow through on your threats,” she says. “Kids quickly learn the difference between idle threats and promises you mean to keep. If your kids discern that you won’t do what you say, they may stop listening and obeying you. Stop the negative pattern of ineffective parenting and issue reasonable consequences to your children instead of threats.” Here are her steps for making change:
Step 1
Don’t be fuzzy; write up the rules of the game, which is really no game – it’s a template for life at home. “For best results, make sure that every rule you enact is a rule you intend to enforce consistently,” says Hatter. “If you have any qualms or concerns about wavering or waffling on a rule, don’t set it in place.” The fewer the better, she says.
Step 2
Each rule must have a consequence attached. Those consequences should be chosen carefully because you must be willing to follow through with them if your kid breaks the rules. “If you create consequences that are difficult or challenging to enforce, you may not follow through consistently and your system will be based upon empty threats instead of an effective rule-and-consequence system,” says Hatter. Amen to that
Step 3
Get your kid(s) involved. Have a calm chat about each rule and its potential consequence so that they are aware there is a system in place. “Give complete details of the rules you will be enforcing and each attached consequence for disobedience,” says Hatter. “Invite your children to ask questions about anything they don’t understand and provide clear answers.”
Step 4
Monitor your children’s behavior daily to ensure that they meet your expectations and follow these new rules. Hatter is crystal clear on this: “If you find issues with following rules, exact the promised consequences as applicable. By insisting on compliance and following through consistently with consequences, you eliminate the empty threats and you replace them with clear promises.”
Step 5
Understand that it’s no cakewalk. You can count on your child to test the new system to see whether you mean what you say. “When this happens, calmly exact the consequence without becoming upset or emotional,” recommends Karen Stephens, director of Illinois State University Child Care Center, whose advice Hatter passes on in her article. “Eventually, your children will see that you are no longer just threatening and that you intend to be consistent.”
I wish I had this kind of parenting advice when my daughter was testing me at every turn several decades ago. Often you think about how YOU were brought up when becoming parents, but it occurred to me that my willful kid was nothing like me growing up, nor did she have older siblings she could observe and learn from when they went off-base. The older she got, the more important it became to follow through on promises or I knew she would be doomed. Even after she left home, however, she tested people and situations ad infinitum. Her tendency to learn by her own mistakes continues even to this day.
Every situation and every child has a different set of circumstances at play as they grow to adulthood. Learning how to be consistent at parenting is not an easy task. I invite your comments and stories over how follow-through and non-emotional promises (instead of threats) might have made a difference in your parenting efforts.
