Why Do Couples Really Fight About Money?

Talk to anyone about their relationships with their partners and you will discover that every couple struggles with disagreements. One of the most highly charged areas of contention is money. The question remains, however, about the actual content of these fights about money. Perhaps, if couples were able to clearly identify the themes of their money conflicts, they would be better prepared to discuss these issues. After all, if you have a difficult time describing what upsets you, you are less likely to resolve an issue. Maybe knowing that you are in good company (since many couples fight about money) would provide some relief. And you are not alone.

In an attempt to identify the actual contents of financial issues, Peetz et al. (2023) conducted two studies. In Study 1, they gathered descriptions of fights about money from posts on Reddit. From this large pool of data, they were able to identify two overarching themes related to money arguments: concerns about fairness and perceived responsibility. Below are many of the identified issues falling under each of these two overarching themes. See if you can identify with any of these issues. My hope is that realizing that you are in good company may help normalize these issues for you.

Concerns About Fairness

• Distress about relative contributions
• Concerns about who pays for major and ongoing expenses
• Exceptional expenses such as homes and cars
• Terms of arrangement, such as whether the couple combines finances
• Job and income, which includes not enough income or failure to get a job
• Different values, which includes attitudes about saving money and how to prioritize purchases
• One-sided financial decisions, such as secretive spending

Perceived Irresponsibility

• Planning
• Debt
• Budgeting
• Not saving
• Personal purchases
• Impulse spending
• Gambling
• Broken promises

In Study 2, the researchers gathered data about areas of financial conflict from couples in committed relationships, and the two overarching themes — concerns about fairness and responsibility — reemerged. Additionally, a new area of conflict — "mundane expenses" — was identified, referring to disagreements about minor purchases such as how much money to spend on a birthday party or who should pay for car-related expenses.

These two studies have major implications for both the quality and longevity of relationships. Being aware of what you are actually distressed about may make discussion with your partner more fruitful and productive. Peetz et al. found that couples that were able to discuss mundane or minor disagreements about money reported a better quality of relationship. Perhaps, with enough care and maybe even professional help, couples can discuss more significant money issues in a productive manner. I suggest strongly that partners discuss money issues on a regular basis so that they don't accumulate and cause irreparable damage. I have seen many couples avoid discussion of money issues and reach such a point of contempt that the relationship is unable to survive. Please consider these suggestions. The quality and longevity of your relationship may hang in the balance.