This Valentine’s Day, Don’t Try to Impress

Valentine’s Day is coming up. For some, this means a relaxed evening of quality time with a partner they love and trust. For others, this means an evening with a first or second date that feels especially high-stakes. Not only do these people barely know their companion yet, but the pressure is high to make a positive impression and fast-track romance by creating an unforgettable Valentine’s Day.

As a social psychologist who has studied how people make positive impressions, my best piece of advice for this Valentine’s Day is: Don’t try to make a good impression. This might sound counterintuitive because making an effort should help us reach our goal. But hear me out.

Research has shown that when people try to make positive impressions, they often resort to a few predictable strategies. For example, ingratiation—flattery and compliments to make the other person like you. While there’s nothing wrong with a heartfelt compliment, people can usually detect attempts at cheap flattery and will distrust a date who overwhelms them with overused compliments.

Another predictable strategy is self-promotion—talking about your accomplishments and positive attributes just like an advertiser. For example, people might talk about which college they went to or what promotion they recently received. That might be a good idea for a job interview, as long as you avoid letting your self-promotion slide into bragging. But for a date? Not so much.

Consider what people typically look for in a romantic partner.

Attributes like humor, kindness, agreeableness, and spontaneity come to mind. What people mention much less frequently are typical accomplishments, such as salary, GPA, or weight-lifting abilities. And that’s exactly the problem that people who treat dates like job interviews face. You can easily drop your college degree in a casual conversation, but there’s little you can say that shows your date that you’re a fun, kind, and easy-to-like person.

These crucial attributes that people value in a date are not conveyed by mentioning accomplishments but through behavior. Saying “I’m fun and kind” doesn’t make you seem fun and kind. Instead, being friendly, attentive, generous, and easy-going will convey these positive traits.

So, forget about what you say to your date about yourself, and focus instead on your behavior. Treat them like you treat a friend you’ve been looking forward to seeing for a long time. Let your questions about them, your laughter, and your attention speak for themselves to let them know that you value their company. The best way to make a positive impression is to stop trying and instead be good company for the other person.