What's a Good-Enough Marriage?

Source: Joel Muniz / Unsplash

There are at least three reasons why a marriage will be experienced as not good enough. The first is a lack of clarity about what you want and what your spouse desires. The second is an attachment to an idealized partner, which condemns the natural partner to failure. The third is an investment in a perfect marriage, which will cause immense dissatisfaction.

Telling your spouse what you want and your spouse agreeing to do his or her best to meet your request are requirements for a good-enough marriage, accompanied by a measure of kindness. It's important to accept that the agreement is imperfect and there will be times you won’t get what you want. Remember that no ideal person is awaiting your arrival, nor can the possibility of a perfect union help sustain a good-enough marriage.

A guiding energy for the good-enough marriage is remaining curious. Am I clear with myself and my partner about my desires? Are my desires changing? Do I understand my spouse’s desires? Do I express interest in my spouse’s desires? When desire is expressed, do we both remain accepting and supportive, whether we plan to be a resource or not for the fulfillment of the acknowledged desire?

Let’s look at four ways a good-enough marriage might be constructed. This information was gathered in working with hundreds of couples.

The Arrangement – Here are some of the desires and conditions of this good-enough marriage.

1. There is an agreement to support financial stability and to co-parent.
2. There may also be an agreement to support someone with a disability or aging.
3. There is an agreement to cohabitate.
4. Spouses may or may not be sexually and emotionally monogamous. (Emotional monogamy means there is an agreement to primarily co-create a life with your spouse.)
5. Love may or may not be what is felt.
6. There is a preference for mutual kindness.
7. The relationship is strongly custodial and domestically task-oriented. Spouses agree to function in support of task accomplishment.
8. There is no commitment to deepen the level of emotional intimacy.
9. Spouses agree to hold themselves and the other accountable for the responsibility to attend to tasks.

The Exploration

1. Either cohabitation or separate housing can characterize this good-enough marriage.
2. Finances do not play a significant role in this relationship.
3. Autonomy is highly valued, with each spouse responsible for crafting their lifestyle.
4. Emotional intimacy is episodic, triggered by a need to discuss a matter pertaining to work or third parties.
5. The couple remains conflict-avoidant or slips into blame when an unmet need arises.
6. The marriage may be defined as an open one or monogamous.
7. Bonding through shared tasks may occur.
8. This good-enough marriage requires spouses to be curious about the status of support for their independence.

Please and Protect

1. This good-enough marriage is quite common. At least one spouse is committed to pleasing and protecting the other.
2. There are typically two reasons for protecting and pleasing. The first is reproducing a childhood pattern of relating to a parent. Pleasing is the early childhood dynamic later joined by feeling protective of the parent. The second reason is that either one or both spouses struggle to regulate their nervous systems.
3. Honesty is compromised, especially regarding the impact a spouse’s behavior has upon the other. Displeasure or dissatisfaction with one’s partner is experienced as a failure with the potential for discord and hurt.
4. Highly conflict-avoidant.
5. There’s a tendency to be sexually and emotionally monogamous.
6. Emotional support tends to be episodic when one spouse experiences a challenge at work or with family and friends.
7. Often, there is bonding through shared tasks.
8. This good-enough marriage depends upon participants being curious about how well people feel pleased. Typically, one spouse is committed to do the pleasing.

The Container

1. This good-enough marriage has both spouses viewing their marriage as a container for individual and collective development.
2. Both spouses are committed to developing emotional intimacy by asking for support around their emotional needs. These needs may include affection, encouragement, sex, attention, gratitude, and learning how to be honest, accompanied by compassion.
3. Spouses are conflict-receptive and expect each to be competent in eliminating blame.
4. There is a shared commitment to honor the personal and professional paths to which each has been called.
5. There is a shared commitment to remain curious about each other’s values, preferences, and learning styles. Spouses accept the messiness of emotional intimacy, including a lack of accountability, broken agreements, insensitivity, passive aggression, withholding affection, accusations, and sarcasm.
6. Honoring desires involves adopting the protocol of making explicit and concrete requests, with the recipient having three options: “yes,” “no,” or “I want to negotiate.”
7. Spouses talk about the needs to be closer to oneself and closer to the other.
8. Spouses accept the need to be accountable for their behavior and forgiving of themselves and the other.

The status of a marriage is not limited to these four options. There may be an overlap between alternative approaches to marriage. Tension can occur when one spouse wants to adopt the conditions of another type of good-enough marriage while the other spouse is content with the status quo. This may call for accessing some professional help.

The key is allowing for a good enough relationship based upon clarity about what you want and making agreements to support your preferences. There can be numerous benefits as you avoid the seduction of an idealized partner or a perfect marriage. Let good-enough yield a robust connection between you and your beloved.