Why Skillful Apologies Don't Need to Include "I'm Sorry"

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When you think of an apology, the phrase "I'm sorry" immediately comes to mind. From a very early age, we're taught to apologize by saying "I'm sorry" (even when we're not).

"Apologies are interpersonal tools that can repair and improve valuable relationships. When people transgress against one another, existing social bonds become threatened, and norms dictate that transgressors should apologize if they wish to repair the damage to the relationship caused by their hurtful acts," according to research from George, M., Guilfoyle, J.R., Steele, J.R. et al., 2022.

But there's a big problem with the way we all learned to apologize.

"I'm sorry" is useful for minor infractions, like stepping on someone's foot or forgetting to refill the water in the Keurig. But when it comes to relational repair, "I'm sorry" falls flat at best and creates a deeper wound at worst. According to an article entitled A Behavioral Analysis of Apologies, Forgiveness, and Interpersonal Conflict, the authors observed, "...the manner in which conflicts are normally resolved within relationships may be contributing to harmful patterns of interacting" (Toney, D.E., Hayes, L.J., 2017). An article by Yamamoto K, Kimura M, and Osaka M. further noted, "Whether or not conflict resolution occurs generally depends on the perception of the apology as trustworthy, genuine, and sincere by the injured party... An instrumental apology is made to achieve a goal. It does not involve recognizing guilt or accepting responsibility."

What does this mean? Think of how you'd feel if you were on the receiving end of any of the following apologies:

• I'm sorry if you feel hurt.
• I'm sorry if you took that the wrong way.
• I'm sorry if you misunderstood me.
• I'm sorry, but you just made me so mad.
• I'm sorry, but you did some bad things too.
• I'm sorry that you don't like what I said/did.
• I'm sorry; I feel really guilty about what I've done.
• I'm sorry; I guess I'm just a horrible person.

What is the issue with all of these phrases? The problems are twofold:

1. They do not validate the feelings of the hurt party.
2. They focus on the feelings of the transgressor instead of the feelings of the injured.

There are two types of apologies:

Empathic Apology:

An empathic apology focuses on the person who was harmed. Empathic apologies do not demand repair. The intention of an empathic apology is to understand.

Narcissistic Apology:

A narcissistic apology focuses on the guilt and feelings of the person who caused the harm. Narcissistic apologies demand repair. The intention of a narcissistic apology is to be understood.

Important note about narcissistic apologies: Narcissism is a quality that we all have to a degree. Someone might unskillfully offer a narcissistic apology, but that does not mean they have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

What to Say Instead of "I'm Sorry":

If you caused a relational rupture, instead of using "I'm sorry" to repair the relationship, try a method called "The Four O's," a technique I created based on the ninth step of the 12 steps of AA.

1. Own what you did. (I forgot our anniversary.)
2. Observe how the behavior impacted the other person. (I imagine you must have felt sad, rejected, and angry.)
3. Outline your plan not to do the thing again. (In the future, I will set a reminder on my calendar for the month, week, and day before an important date.)
4. Offer to listen. (Is there anything else you want me to understand about this situation?)

If you are on the receiving end of a relational rupture, you can request that the person (assuming they are not abusive) use the Four O's instead of saying, "I'm sorry." Helping your partner understand how you prefer to be addressed after a conflict in no way diminishes the effectiveness of the Four O's strategy.

Disclaimer: This post does not apply to situations or relationships where abuse is present.