How Worrying and Overthinking Can Ruin Your Relationship

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All it takes is a missed text. At first, you wonder; then, you worry.

Something doesn’t feel right. You fill the void with questions: What does this mean? Are they mad? Is this over? There’s a Latin phrase for this:

Horror vacui.

Sounds serious. It essentially means: Nature abhors a vacuum.

In other words, when we lack information, details, or context, we fill it in. We need to know what’s going on and to have a sense of control, so we form impressions, make interpretations, take guesses, contemplate clues, and read between the lines.

Relationships are fertile ground, and it doesn’t take much to get us going…

• They were a little too quiet at dinner.
• When you asked how their day was, the only response was, “fine.”
• They don’t respond quickly enough to a message.
• You said, “I love you,” but they didn’t say it back quickly enough or didn’t sound sincere.
• You want to make plans for the future, but your partner says, “Let’s just see where things take us.”
• They mention that they “need to deal with some things” or that “their mind is other places.”

Uncertainty feels bad.

To escape that feeling, we tell ourselves a story. Right, wrong, or somewhere in between, we provide an explanation. Anything to stop the wondering and worrying.

Yet, uncertainty is largely unavoidable.

Every relationship has incomplete information. It’s impossible to know it all. You don’t know 100 percent what your partner is thinking. Guess what? Neither do they. As individuals, we aren’t always completely sure about what we feel, what motivates us, what we’re going to do, or how we’re going to think. Now, in a relationship, multiply that by two.

The only sure thing is that we’re never going to have all the facts or be able to see the complete picture. Some parts will always be fuzzy. That’s OK. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong.

How to Avoid Overthinking

Accept: Learn to accept that some degree of ambiguity is inevitable. You’re never going to know everything about your partner’s past, their previous relationships, or what they’re doing at every moment. That’s perfectly normal. Your partner isn’t going to know all of those things about you, either. That’s where trust comes in.

Trust = (Transparency + Consistency) × Time

The best partners are transparent and consistent over long stretches, just like a best friend. If your relationship has all three elements, don’t overinterpret your partner’s behaviors. Don’t overthink. Don’t freak out. Trust your partner.

Keep it simple: When searching for explanations to confront ambiguity, remember Occam’s Razor. Also known as the “principle of parsimony,” Occam’s Razor states that where there are multiple possibilities or explanations, the simplest, most straightforward explanation is best. When your partner’s communication pattern changes for a day or two, you could assume it means they fell out of love with you, found a new partner, and are moving away to start a new life with a beautiful new family. Or, it could be that they’re sick, lost their phone, or just had a busy stretch at work. The fewer assumptions, the better. Simpler is likely more accurate. Don’t ask yourself what could be wrong (that’s an invitation for creative explanations); instead, challenge yourself to focus on what is most likely.

Gather more information: The overinterpretation problem starts because you don’t have all the details. Although you may never get the complete story, the more you know, the better. To get that information, go straight to the source and have a conversation with your partner.

• Do: Acknowledge that you’re feeling uncertain and explain what you’re wondering about.
• Don’t: Jump to worst-case scenarios or sound accusatory.
• Do: Give them the benefit of the doubt. Your partner, who is your best friend that you love and care about, deserves that.
• Don’t: Make assumptions or attempt to “know” what they’re thinking. You may have some guesses, but keep those to yourself.
• Do: Give them space to explain and share their perspective. You want to know what they’re thinking. Hear them out.

Ask better questions: Constantly asking questions can make you sound like a nag or, worse, distrustful. Instead of simply asking more questions, you should focus on asking the right kind (VanEpps & Hart, 2022). The best questions invite explanation and discourage your own overinterpretation.

• Don’t: Ask in a way in which you get the answer you want (e.g., “Have you been busy at work, is that why you haven’t texted?” “You’re not mad at me, right?”).
• Do: Ask, “What have you been up to lately?” Open-ended questions give the other person more room to talk and explain.

Remember, you’re being curious and trying to learn. You’re not testing your theories, and you don’t want to signal suspicion (because that may create the types of problems you’re hoping to avoid). If you suspect the other person is lying, ask an unexpected or surprising question. Those are much harder to answer because liars rehearse for the most likely questions.

Conclusion

You may feel adrift in love, unsure, uncertain, and confused. All of this worrying has a major downside. You’re more likely to see bad signs that aren’t there and jump to conclusions that aren’t warranted. If your threat detection system goes awry and becomes overly sensitive, you become your own (and your relationship’s) worst enemy. Instead, use the tips in this article to recalibrate. You should also give your partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, the best relationships are built on trust, security, and dependability. Give your partner what you hope to get back.