How to Talk to People When You Don’t Know Their Gender

While the days of a completely segregated gender binary were relatively brief to begin with and rapidly waning, social conventions still routinely use the concepts of women and men to organize people into categories. Using phrases like “ladies and gentlemen” or “boys and girls” might seem innocuous, but such language reinforces the idea that those are the only people who might be present and ignores the existence of nonbinary, gender queer, agender, and people of other genders.

For children raised in conventional US households — especially prior to the 1980s — using gender-specific language was the only way to communicate politely. “Yes Sir” and “Yes Maam” were crucial elements of every polite child’s vocabulary and drilled into their minds by repeated reinforcement. Even though society has shifted significantly, those deep linguistic patterns can be difficult to change. Being prepared with a gender-neutral vocabulary and some updated social boundaries can help everyone involved to be more comfortable in conversations when gender is unclear.

Use Your Own Pronouns

One way to begin a conversation about gender is to introduce yourself using your own pronouns. For example, sometimes I will say, “My name is Elisabeth but you can call me Eli, and I use she/her pronouns.” This opens the way for the other person to introduce themselves using their gender pronouns if they wish. Some people, however, do not feel comfortable using pronouns or identifying themselves with any pronouns. If you use your pronouns but the person does not answer with theirs, then be prepared to move on with the conversation without knowing their gender.

Use Respectful Communication

Afford all humans respect in conversation, regardless of their gender presentation (or age, race, social class, etc.). When talking about gender with anyone, you should only ask questions that you would be comfortable answering yourself. If you have just met this person and would not feel comfortable with them asking questions about your genitals, then under no circumstances should you even consider asking them personal questions about their bodies. What information might you balk at discussing with a new acquaintance? Use that same level of discretion when you are speaking to anyone else, including someone with a different gender presentation than what you find familiar.

Similarly, use the names and pronouns that people tell you they want you to use. Consider how obnoxious it is when people refuse to call you by your chosen name and insist instead on using your despised nickname, or refuse to use your new last name even though you have told them several times that you are married now and wish to be referred to with your correct married name. It is offensive when people refuse to respect your boundaries around what you prefer to be called, so give others the same respect that you expect from them and use the terms they identify as appropriate. Do not ask them about their “real” name or their deadname that people used to call them — they are telling you their real name now and that is what is most important.

Use Neutral Terminology

If you do not know someone’s gender in an English-speaking situation, then you can always use they/them pronouns. While it irritates some English speakers who grate at what they consider an inappropriate use of a plural term for a singular person, in truth that plural term is regularly used for a singular person and grammatically poses no problem.* Another option is to simply use the person’s name instead of any gendered pronouns.

Gender neutral terminology is also useful for groups and families. Rather than ladies and gentlemen, neutral terms like everyone, esteemed guests, gentlepeople, or gentlefolk are both polite and inclusive. Terms like y'all, people, folks, or folx are neutral and informal. When speaking about family relationships you can also find gender neutral options like kids or children instead of boys and girls, spouse instead of wife or husband, nibling rather than nephew or niece, and even auncle or dunkle to replace aunt or uncle.

Use a New Perspective

Image: A brain lifting weights

Source: Open Clipart Vectors/Wikipedia

Finally, perhaps you might reconsider why you need to know someone's gender at all. While it used to be crucial for polite communication, now you can be polite by asking about pronouns, using people’s identified names and pronouns, and selecting neutral terminology. When you are not sure about someone’s gender, consider simply treating them as a human whose gender is not relevant to the interaction. If you are asking someone for directions, ordering a latte, or waiting in line at the self-check-out then the person’s gender is not pertinent to what you need to successfully complete the interaction.

While it might cause you some discomfort initially, you can build up your tolerance for setting gender aside in interactions. By bearing your own discomfort when you can’t tell someone’s gender, you help people of all genders to be more comfortable in public spaces. Using these communication techniques can help you to be prepared for respectful and polite communication with people of any gender.

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*For example, “Everyone should bring their coats with them because it is cold outside.”