Verified by 
"Here we go again."
"He doesn't care what I think; he just wants sex."
"Why doesn't she ever do anything different when we're making love?"
If you've ever had thoughts like these while you were having, or about to have, sex with a partner, you probably know what is likely to follow: distracted, boring, or "let's get this done already" sex that doesn't satisfy either of you as much as it could.
You've probably heard that there is power in our words, but did you ever think how much power there is in the words and lines that we say to ourselves? How negative self-talk during sex can make sex feel less pleasurable - or even dampen one's chances of orgasm?
If this hasn't before occurred to you, then let this be the day that sets you on a new path toward more pleasurable sex. A few years ago, a fascinating study was conducted by two psychologists from the University of Washington (one of whom - Dr. Julia Heiman - is now the Director of The Kinsey Institute, where I work, at Indiana University). In their study, they found that when women took on a positive sexual identity (after listening to a tape that said things like "You like your sexuality a lot. Sex is a very important part of your life...") they felt more sexually aroused while watching erotic films as part of the laboratory study than when they took on the more negative sexual identify. Not only that, but laboratory data suggested that the positive self-image helped the women's bodies to respond more easily in terms of their sexual arousal.
So what does this mean for you?
When you're being sexual with a partner, if you notice negative self-talk, try to turn it around. Positive self-talk may help you to point you toward a more sensual, pleasurable experience. You might find that it helps you to feel more excited about sex or "into" sex if you say things to yourself such as "I love having sex with him", "We have such a great sex life together" "My body feels so good right now" or "It feels exciting when she does that". See if focusing in the positive, exciting, arousing parts of sex - and your partner - can help to make your sex life more pleasurable, enjoyable and satisfying.
Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Her personal blog can be found at MySexProfessor.com
