How to End Sibling Rivalry

Parents embracing children

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“That’s mine.” “She took my toy.” “He keeps bothering me.” These common moments of discord are a normal occurrence in families with more than one child.

While conflict is a normal and even a healthy part of all relationships, rivalry is not. Rivalry occurs when individuals begin vying for supremacy or dominance within the same domain. Sibling rivalry arises when siblings become competitors within the family dynamic.

Sibling rivalries can be filled with animosity and long-term disconnect. This can and should be avoided. Conflict is useful for all human beings. Conflict allows humans to progress in communicating their needs and thoughts as well as listening to the needs of others. The goal should not be focused on children never having a disagreement but for children to learn to handle conflict and develop a lasting relationship in the process.

There are strategies that can minimize current struggles and help children develop the foundation for lifelong friendships.

1. Parents must learn to genuinely enjoy how different their children are.

The complexities of human beings do not start in adulthood, and parents will be better served by recognizing and celebrating that fact. Parents should approach children available to connect with who they are and help guide them into their best selves. Avoid trying to make siblings into the same person. Diversity is beautiful and it is literally the fuel of human survival and thriving.

Our world would be incredibly underserved if it were filled only with those of us who are sticklers for following rules. We may never see the levels of creativity and innovation that are often made possible by those who are more comfortable breaking the rules. While we can usually see the value of headstrong, barrier-breaking adults, we often forget that these people started out as children. Rule followers and rule breakers should both be celebrated and nurtured.

Siblings doing different things

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Parents, it is up to us to celebrate their differences, keeping in mind how diverse their contributions to the world will be. Decreasing sibling rivalry and building lifelong friendships between siblings begins with parents looking at each child with adoration and joy.

2. Teach them to love how different they are and why that benefits them.

Once parents can see the beauty of how diverse children will likely be, they can teach their children about each other’s strengths and weaknesses. All of us have some powerful strengths and some weaknesses that can derail our peace if we are not careful. Teach children how learning from each other can make them a better person. For example, rule followers may struggle with being flexible or handling change, while more creative and rule-challenging children may thrive in new environments and struggle to focus. If they are taught to learn and value each other, they can both become much more well-rounded human beings.

How to celebrate each child’s diversity:

• Pay attention to who each child is so that you can accurately assess and celebrate them. You have to gather information here; accuracy is important. While they will change many times, some enduring personality traits will likely be enduring.
• Educate them about who they are. Help them see where they often thrive and the areas that they can improve. Having this awareness will make them better friends, siblings, and partners in life. Self-aware people are better able to handle conflict and are often willing to improve where needed.
• Help them manage the natural frustration that comes from dealing with others. Always honor what they are feeling. Let them know that their feelings are normal. Teach them the benefits (i.e., personal growth, building a support system, social support improves mental health) of maintaining relationships even when they are hard.
• Create a vision for who your children should be to each other. I always tell them how they will need a friend who knows their struggles and were there with them from birth. This will help them value building that relationship as well.
• Never favor one child over another. Favorites are often based on who feels easiest to deal with or who is most like you. They are both your creation and equally valuable; let that idea guide your thoughts and actions.

Before long, you will start to see them celebrate their differences and resolve conflict with more compassion over time as they follow your lead. Siblings should be friends for life. While there is no guarantee that they will be close for life, there is so much that parents can do to help build strong sibling relationships.