The Closer I Get, the Further You Go

In reality, both partners have similar capacities for intimacy, because the reality is that both partners have settled for a relatively low level of intimacy in their relationship.

Source: Tumisu/Pixabay

Frequently, in committed, long-term, intimate relationships, a dynamic is created where one partner continually pursues the other, wanting more intimacy, touch, connection, quality time, communication, or sex, while the other partner consistently distances themselves and resists the pursuer's bids.

The more the pursuer pursues, the more the distancer avoids or retreats. This dynamic is fueled by a fear of intimacy, exposure, or vulnerability by both partners[i]. This dynamic, or dance, is perpetuated over the years because both partners cast and recast their partners in the complementary roles.

Usually the pursuer’s self-ascribed role in the relationship is the more committed, aware, deep, emotionally developed partner. The distancer is usually cast as the colder, less committed, emotionally challenged, or just apathetic spouse. In reality, both partners have similar capacities for intimacy, because the reality is that both partners have settled for a relatively low level of intimacy in their relationship.

Both partners are equal in their level of differentiation, their ability to maintain a high level of authentic intimacy. It has been my experience that both partners share similar limiting core beliefs such as “I’m not worthy of love” or “relationships are dangerous” and, therefore, unconsciously agree to an implicit arrangement to buffer the level of intimacy by allocating the roles of the pursuer and distancer. This equality usually comes as a surprise for the pursuers and distancers alike.

Let us dive deeper to understand the motivations of each role.

The Pursuer

The pursuers are usually seen (by others and themselves) as the righteous martyrs who wish only for more intimacy in the relationship, all the while without getting the minimal appreciation they deserve for their heartfelt efforts. This may come from a deep belief that they are not worthy of love and so, unconsciously, they choose a partner who validates the feelings (also unconsciously) by acting distant and superior. They eventually feel that they need to settle for the “crumbs” the distancer is willing to give. The distancing partner may perceive them as desperate, clingy, even pathetic.

The losses the pursuer experiences are often quite evident: a sense of rejection, low self-esteem, feeling unappreciated and invisible, feeling they are taken for granted, a lack of love, intimacy, and eroticism in the relationship, and an overall frustration, sometimes to the point of humiliation.

What are the gains[ii] of being a pursuer? Usually pursuers are less aware of, and often much less willing to “own up to,” their gains from the pursuing role. Usually pursuers discover that they gain control over the level of intimacy and vulnerability in the relationship because they are always the initiators and, in this way, they are the controllers of the “heat” of the relationship. When they want some attention, they pursue; when they want space, they simply don’t initiate. Another secondary gain is that of being the martyr, winning the respect, appreciation (and pity) of their friends and family and in their own mind. They get the reputation for being the hard-working partner, who sacrifices everything while their partner neither appreciates nor reciprocates.

The Distancer

Distancers are often connected more to their secondary gains than losses. Distancers gain a sense of control while feeling superior to the “pathetic” pursuer who is constantly begging for intimacy. Being constantly pursued makes distancers feel forever desirable, regardless of what they do or don’t do in the relationship. This generates a sense of security, that they won’t be deserted, regardless of their behavior.

Distancers are blind to the secondary losses of their role, which include a deep sense of loneliness in the partnership. They often find that any show of weakness or need for affection is immediately interpreted by the pursuer as a complaint or demand and as further proof that the distancer is not really “in” the relationship, and usually distancers’ wishes will be rejected or minimized by their partner.

Feeling superior (or inferior) to your partner, locks both of you in this dance.

Source: Amarpreet Singh/Pixabay

What can be done?

In this dynamic, both partners settle for a low standard of intimacy and accept that their dynamic actually validates their own low self-esteem. Yet, what these couples often don’t see is that there are always moments where one partner behaves differently from their historical role. It is in these often-overlooked moments and bids that the possibility for growth and change reside.

Here are some tips on how to identify, soften, and, hopefully, liberate yourself from the pursuer-distance dance.

1. Reflect on your intimate relationship and see if you are the pursuer or distancer. Think beyond specific examples to the overall dynamic of the relationship: Does one of you consistently want more while the other consistently avoids?
2. Make notes to yourself about what you are gaining and losing from your role? Make another table of losses and gains for your partner. Can you achieve these benefits in a different way?
3. Accept that both of you are the same level of maturity, emotional intelligence, and differentiation. Feeling superior (or inferior) to your partner locks both of you in this dance.
4. If you discover you are in the Pursuer role,
   1. Own your sh*t and stop blaming your partner for the lack of intimacy in the relationship.
   2. Stop pursuing your partner. Often, the pursuer’s biggest fear is that if they stop pursuing, there will be no intimacy and the distancer will leave. That is a risk you have to take if you want to manifest deep change. Yet, once you stop pursuing and pressuring your partner, they can actually stop running away from you and start confronting themselves on what they want from the relationship.
   3. Start focusing on fulfilling your own needs by yourself. Find new ways to fulfill your needs within the relationship. How can you celebrate yourself more? Find new avenues for expression and affection without breaking the commitments of this relationship. Expect the distancer to behave defensively or suspiciously at your new repertoire. That is just their way of inducing you to the historical pursuer position. That is part of the natural process of systematic change.
   4. Hold on to yourself and stay solid.
5. If you discover you are in the Distancer role,
   1. Own your sh*t and stop blaming your partner for pressuring you and making the relationship so draining and tenuous.
   2. Connect to your loneliness and how sensitive and vulnerable you really are. Avoiding or dissociating from these feelings usually leads to distancing behaviors in your most intimate relationships.
   3. Find a way to express your feelings and needs. Dare to ask or initiate intimacy in a way that is comfortable for you. Initially, you may find that the pursuer will guilt trip you or cause a drama. Remember that is part of your historical dance, and an inevitable dynamic of systematic change.
   4. Hold on to yourself and stay solid.

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Once you both begin stepping out of these rigid roles, you will start generating ever-increasing moments of joint affection, separate from your old roles. You will be able to stop blaming your partner for the reality of your relationship. And if you both can finally hold on to yourselves, then there is a chance for a major change in the roles. This process will include many ruptures. Things may get confusing. However be assured that slowly, a new, more fluid and intimate relationship will evolve, where each partner can make bids for closeness or ask for space without recriminations or loss.

[i] See more on this dynamic in Susan Johnson’s book (2002). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection.

[ii] Click here for a video describing systematic change including the concepts of secondary gains and losses.