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“Sometimes I think,
I need a spare heart to feel
all the things I feel.”–Sanober Khan
Last week I was overwhelmed. It was brought on by something that would have been completely insignificant to most people, but it led me to a place of exhaustion and several days of rumination, weeping, crippling anxiety, paranoia, and intense overthinking that made me want to turn my brain off for at least a week and never see people ever again. Being overwhelmed is something that can happen to me quite frequently, but it will always have triggers and once the dust settles, I will generally be able to locate the source. As I age, I am better equipped to deal with overwhelm or burnout, and the amount of time needed to recover, reset, and rebalance seems to be decreasing.
When supporting me with overwhelm, kindness always wins. It serves all well to either leave me alone or tell me you love me or hold me close or send treats and lovely things—hugs by loved ones can be an invaluable source of relief. These tactics will not work for all people on the spectrum, and I would be selective about who can approach me, particularly when I am feeling vulnerable and upset. In the past, I was not supported appropriately when overwhelm hit and as a result, I got extremely sick for a long time. I am not sick now and I see these times where I get burnt out or overwhelmed as warnings that if changes are not made, I will get ill. They indicate that it is time to slow down. They are the uncomfortable but necessary pause buttons in my life.
My autism is sensory more than anything. I do not know what it is like not to be me, so I have no idea how most people interpret the world in terms of sensory lived experiences. We are all unique and we all have different perspectives, experiences, histories, and genetics, which will influence how we relate to the world around us. My sensitivity means that I observe and notice what many miss, it means I feel what many ignore or are oblivious to, and that I am aware of events and happenings which will rarely come into the consciousness of others. The world is vast, my senses are alive and heightened, and my neural pathways can only take so much and sometimes they are exhausted and when they are, rest, recuperation, and regeneration are needed.
“Sensitive people feel so deeply they often have to retreat from the world, in order to dig beneath the layers of pain to find their faith and courage.”
–Shannon L. Alder
Sensitivity and autism are pretty much each other in my opinion; this sensitivity is a double-edged sword. I cannot watch suffering; I cannot sit back and do nothing when people are struggling and if I see children being harmed, it is completely overwhelming and I have big emotional and psychological responses. I have come to believe that if you take my sensitivity, you take my aliveness, you take my creativity, you take my essence, my soul, who I am at the very core. I was born to be sensitive, and I am still desperately trying to understand why I was born to be so sensitive to certain things, and why certain actions and behaviours send me into a complete tizzy and they can often go unnoticed by others. I can deal with highly stressful situations one day and the next day somebody forgetting to tell me something or ignoring me will be very distressing and I will have to spend time bathing and resting to recover, I do not really understand why, but that is my reality, that is my condition, that is me.
I think my life has become about finding the balance and establishing as much space and time in the sweet spot, this is the place where I function and thrive, and overwhelm or burnout is infrequent and less of my time is spent recovering from sensory overloading. Overwhelm is something that I have had to accept is unavoidable for someone with my neurology, however steps can be made to reduce the likelihood of burnout once I identify and work through my triggers. I do this with a trained psychologist and through my own self-reflection and self-awareness and personal development. The most important thing for any autistic person is having support and being surrounded by acceptance, kindness, and safe people. That to me is the sweetest spot in my life, being around people who are good for me and who love me no matter what. When overwhelm hits, they help bring me back to base. I hope all autistic people have people like that in their lives, because that is what helps us to help ourselves and live a good life. Good people, being good to us is the best way to support us.
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
–Anthon St. Maarten
