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Maybe she graduated from college and hasn’t had time to find a real job yet. Or perhaps he washed out of military training. Or, maybe college or the first job experience was a flop. For a variety reasons, record numbers of twenty-somethings are moving back home to live with their parents. What can families do to prepare?
Have a plan. Don’t wing it. You may think you’re ready. You lived together for the first eighteen years! You’re family. You’ve seen each other for a twenty-something’s entire life. He grew up in this house for most of his life. You talk to each other twice every day. But if an adult child has been living away from home, functioning as an independent adult, then going backwards to living with parents might be difficult for everyone involved. Expect the move-in to be difficult. Decide what issue you’ll need to clarify to minimize miscommunication and mismatched expectations.
If you’re the parent, imagine what an adult child may be expecting. What does your young adult have in mind for the move back home? If he is like most, he’s anticipating good home-cooked meals, a climate controlled living space, relief from the pressures and stresses of the greater world, and for things to be a lot like his holiday visits home. Except that he expects to be respected. He’s an adult now. He probably won’t want to be micromanaged or controlled. He’ll want you to trust him to handle his own life’s business. He won’t expect to be micromanaged, critiqued, or hen-pecked. Twenty-somethings who have been living away from parents have mastered plenty of adult skills. They understand what it takes to feed and clothe themselves. So, parents, be careful not to overstep.
If you’re the twenty-something, imagine what your parents might expect. When you move back into your parents’ house, do your parents envision things running like they did when you were in high school, or do they intend to have a new set of house rules? Will your parents cook your meals, or do they want you to fend for yourself? Will they be annoyed if you stay up until four a.m. and sleep until two in the afternoon? Are your parents anticipating that you will behave as a responsible adult? Will they want you to get a job or take a class? Will they step back and give you trust and respect automatically, or will you have to earn it with responsible behavior? Have you asked about their expectations? Perhaps this won’t be so easy after all.
Consider which kinds of rules you might implement if you were living with someone other than your parent/child. To gain some objectivity about your own situation, and your role, imagine what the arrangement might look like if a young adult rented a room from someone who did not plan to “parent.” Parents, if you rented a room to someone other than an adult child, you would probably make a detailed agreement to cover financial responsibilities, limits of the bargain, rules and consequences of failure to comply. Twenty-somethings, if you rented from someone, you probably wouldn’t move in without knowing what they expected from you. You would want to know when rent was due, how much it was, and which parking space was yours to use without getting towed. Likewise, you’ll all want to be clear what you’re getting yourselves into before this arrangement begins. What has everyone agreed to do, or not do, while living together again?
Decide on a plan and then write it out in a contract. After stepping back and thinking through your new arrangement, you’re ready to make some rules. It’s best to write those down. Writing it out reduces the risk of forgetting the details and keeps everyone on track. Cover things like money, responsibility, and accountability. Who is responsible for washing the dishes? Where will everyone park? Who is on charge of what?
Sit down and discuss it together. Sign it. To further reduce the risk of misunderstandings, it helps if parents and adult child review the written agreement together for clarity and then sign the contract. Pointing to the document and reminding one another, “We had a deal,” is more effective later than arguing who is right and who is wrong.
Stick to it. And finally, it will be important to stay the course and stick with the plan. No forgetting, no giving in. Failure to stick with your agreement can result in misunderstandings and conflicts, or worse, invite bad behavior.
