6 Simple Truths to a Lasting Relationship

Everyone wants the same thing: to be valued by another person. This is the key to every relationship in the world. Think about every person you have ever met: Every single one wants to feel valued by someone else. It is the thread that binds us together as a species.

For millennia, human beings have increased their value by decreasing others'. They are then astonished that the other person, group, or country does the same. This is why we have the global conflicts we have today.

But at any and every moment, you can remind someone of their value.

And whenever you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value.

It is that simple. But because we each worry that the other person sees us as less valuable, we can very quickly activate our ancient fight-flight-freeze survival response and shut down the very thing we need to engage: respect.

When was the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect?

Never.

Anger is an emotion designed to change things. We get angry when we want someone to do something different. Start doing something or stop doing something. But being respected feels great, so the brain does not activate anger.

This simple truth can be applied to any interaction. In the rest of this brief post, I will apply it to relationships of intimacy between yourself and the person by whom you want to be seen as valuable.

Here are some simple rules to live by:

1. Never lie

Relationships are built on trust. Respect leads to value, and value leads to trust. With that trust you can be who you are without worrying you will be judged as less valuable. That is how you make a relationship last forever, how you can share differences of opinions openly and honestly, and how you can respect without having to agree.

2. Notice

Be aware of the other person. If they seem happy, sad, angry, scared, confused, or unsure, notice and ask if you have it right. With the foundation of trust, you can have those discussions, but as soon as you notice, you are communicating that you care. We all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. By noticing, you communicate that you are paying attention and that you care. By reminding them of their value, you can decrease their anger, anxiety, sadness, and doubt and start the conversation leading to a deeper understanding.

3. It’s the little things that matter

If the relationship is between love partners, say “I love you” at least once a day. If the relationship is between professionals, voice your appreciation and gratitude at least once a day. Do something kind; remind someone of their value. Every time you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value, and everyone wants to feel valuable.

4. Wonder instead of worry

Wonder why the person is doing what they are doing without judgment. Be reflective instead of reflexive. We are all doing the best we can; the question is why we do what we do. Back to that trust thing. When you trust, you can share why you do what you do without fearing that you will be seen as less valuable.

5. Laugh every day

Laughing with each other is an expression of joy. It is that joy of being together, wanting to be together, and loving being together that helps a relationship last a lifetime. Enjoy each other, and share a laugh. It feels great! Laughing releases oxytocin,[1] the neurohormone of trust, the cuddle chemical. That feels good!

6. Talk with each other, not to each other

My wife and I rarely argue, but on one occasion, during an argument, she said to me, “I’m sorry I make your life so miserable.” This is a dangerous moment for a spouse.

“I never said you made my life miserable,” I replied.

Without hesitation, she responded, “Well, we’ll see about that.”

Relationships Essential Reads

15 Signs that a Relationship May Be Over

Episodic Intimacy vs. Committed Intimacy

We both started laughing, the argument was over, and we were able to talk with each other, not at each other or to each other, about our different perspectives. (Of course, amid another argument, I said to my wife, “We should embrace our mistakes.” She came over and hugged me.)

I hope these tips help. They have made our relationship last since 1978. My life would not be what it is without her.