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“He never comes on to me anymore!” That's not an uncommon statement from a heterosexual woman in my therapy room. Her partner looks ashamed and deflated on the couch next to her. Nothing kills a guy’s mojo quite like having to admit he’s lost his interest in sex. And now his partner is irritated with him, which just makes him want to retreat further from her. Now what?
Surveys show that at least 10 percent of guys struggle with low libido. Sometimes, guys who appear to have a low libido actually still want to masturbate—they just don’t have the energy to sexually engage their partner.
Here are some of the issues that may be playing out for him:
- Regardless of his age, I wonder about low testosterone. Morning erections are one indicator of low T. If he doesn’t have them, or they aren’t as robust as they used to be, I’ll strongly suggest he see a urologist for an evaluation.
- My next concern is whether he’s depressed, because low libido is one possible symptom of depression. Has he lost interest in other aspects of his life? Is his energy low? Guys may not even know they are depressed, in that they may not be tearful or overtly sad. Treatment for depression may be step one to resurrect his sex drive.
- A related issue is medication side effects—anti-depressants like SSRIs can have sexual side effects for some people. He may want to talk to his medical professional about changing meds, since there are a few that tend to have less of an impact on sex drive.
- Relationship issues can manifest as low libido as well. Does he feel a lack of respect in his romantic relationship? Does he feel disempowered in his relationship or in his life more generally? A feeling of disempowerment is a sure way to kill libido. It’s not unusual for me to work with a guy who has tried so hard to moderate his masculine energy in an effort to not be abusive to his partner that he’s actually lost his mojo in the process. For this issue, I help him find ways to feel empowered in the world again. Sometimes, this means spending time with other guys—not so easy in the time of COVID. Sometimes, playing sports helps him feel alive again—but here, too, COVID limits his options. Using his body is usually necessary—yoga or martial arts, for example. Or any kind of exercise if these more meditative traditions don’t appeal to him. This process helps him inhabit his physical self so that he can feel his power from the inside.
- Better self-care in general can help people get their power back. Abusing alcohol or drugs can make people feel weak and not in control of themselves. Such feelings can lead to a decreased interest in sex. Plus, alcohol can diminish sex drive. While one cocktail may loosen you up, more than that can disengage you from your sexual self.
- Couples therapy can also be helpful in re-engaging him sexually. When anyone has a lower sex drive, I work with the higher-drive partner to identify ways to entice their partner sexually. This often means flirting, seducing, or otherwise calling out the lower desire partner in a fun and sexy way. This can make the higher desire partner feel anxious, because they may feel more at risk for rejection when their efforts at seduction are more blatant. So I also work with the couple to plan for such moments, and teach the lower desire partner how to reject sex in a loving manner. For example, the lower desire partner can hug their partner, thank them for reaching out, and offer a massage or the option of reconnecting sexually in the near future. It’s critical that the lower desire partner understand that sexual rejection hurts, so it’s important to be super sensitive to how they go about saying no to sex.
- Finally, research suggests that developing a meditation practice can help with low libido. For one thing, it helps people become more embodied—which means being more aware of physical sensations like libido. Also, it helps people learn to focus less on their thoughts, so they become more skilled at disengaging from the unhelpful commentary that our brains manage to pretty reliably provide.
Reclaiming your libido and your sexual self can take determination and energy—it’s often not a quick fix. But sexual satisfaction correlates with relationship satisfaction and life satisfaction. If it’s good for your sex life, it tends to be good for you in general. So for many people, it’s well worth the effort.
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