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QUESTION
Hi Irene,
My husband and I are rather recent friends of a couple. The woman happens to be a psychologist. I understand from our other friends who made the introduction that she handles very difficult cases such as sexual abuse.
As we are getting to know both of them I’ll call them X-her and P-him, I’m discovering that X has a tendency to psychoanalyze just about everything. She asks many, many prying questions. Although at first, I do realize that this is what we go through when we are just getting to know someone, I do find her questions to be a bit much because then she begins to theorize. Additionally, she seldom reveals the same information about herself. P, her partner is a rather humble and quiet guy. She is an extrovert and flamboyant.
There’s an added element to this new friendship. She and my husband are from the same foreign country. So they exchange and joke the way people of this country do, which at times can include some vulgar expressions. So in other words, they have their own connection in that way.
The other night X and P were in our home for a visit. She brought up the subject of films, of which she is a fanatic. We’ve gone to see films with them. At some point, she asked my husband if he’s been in some films, (he’s a performer), and he said, “Yes.” She asked him which ones, etc., and he was beginning to tell her. Out of nowhere, she said to both of us, “Maybe you guys should make a porno film, I can just see you (my husband), hanging from that lamp, to which she pointed, and I can see you (me), lying on your back on the dining room table.
I must tell you, that I was quite unprepared for such a comment. It made my hairs stand on end. Her partner P was sitting on the couch but said absolutely nothing. I’ve witnessed that in their relationship, she says many shocking things, and he just never seems to mind. He’s quite passive as it relates to her being very overbearing.
I really didn’t respond to this at all. I may have muttered under my breath something like, “WHAT?” But that was all. Meanwhile, my husband, laughed, and rather went along with this stupid remark. He said something like, directing the comment to me, “You see, people are doing this kind of thing, blah di blah.” Well, as if the comment in and of itself weren’t bad enough, now my husband basically was okay with this.
Well, I felt quite violated in my own home by her comment. I’m of a mature age, and so is this couple. I’m not given to so-called trends, as my husband tried to imply by his response. Plus anything having to do with our sexual life, I consider very, very private and sacred.
X has shown also that she is a big one upper, in our recent friendship. Honestly, I can’t believe she works as a psychologist, either. Does this not go against a professional grain of sorts?
Could you please give me some advice as to how to handle someone like this? I’d really appreciate it.
Signed, Nadine
ANSWER
Hi Nadine,
It sounds like you are asking for a reality check:
Whatever someone’s profession (whether the person is a psychologist, medical doctor, lawyer or anything else), it is uncomfortable to feel like the person you just met is interrogating you with intrusive questions. You are not this woman’s patient; your relationship is social. This is inappropriate social behavior.
That this couple comes from another country doesn’t excuse their use of vulgar, shocking or provocative language in your home. You probably should have expressed your discomfort at the time although I can imagine that you were stunned at this encounter.
You haven’t offered any reason why you would want to be friends with this couple. To the contrary, the woman seems very off-putting and her values seem to be discrepant from your own. Since this is a new friendship, you should consider ending it immediately.
I’m not sure what your husband’s motivations may have been in “laughing it off.” Perhaps, he was as speechless and uncomfortable as you were. But you infer that he may have been amenable to X’s proposal. If this is the case, you need to make your feelings crystal clear to him.
While this woman’s behavior may not be consider acceptable professionally, your issue with her is a social one than a professional.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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