Tell Yourself the Truth if You Were Sexually Abused

From my clinical experience, I have learned that many people who were sexually abused in childhood minimize the damage they experienced because of it, saying “Yes, I was abused but I just want to move on.” Others deny that it happened. They might say, “I think I must have imagined it. My father (uncle, sibling) would never do such a thing to me.” Still, others blame themselves. They might say, “He didn’t force me. I could have fought him off, but I didn’t.” If you were sexually abused or suspect you were, this article is meant to encourage you to seriously consider the following: 1) if you suspect you were sexually abused, it is likely that you were and you should explore it further, 2) if you were sexually abused, you were likely damaged by the experience, even if you don’t recognize the damage, 3) sexual abuse is never the child’s fault.

1. Many former victims dissociated (disconnected from themselves in the moment, taking their mind somewhere else), while others were traumatized so severely that they lost all memory of the attack—much like car accident victims often experience amnesia after the crash. This dissociation and repression are survival skills, helping former victims to move on with their lives instead of being completely overwhelmed with feelings of fear, shame, or guilt that they can’t function. Unfortunately, these survival mechanisms can make it difficult to face the truth about being sexually abused. Unless they have clear memories and unless they trust these memories, former victims will often talk themselves out of facing what happened to them. Denial is also effective in blocking unwanted memories (Otgaar, Romeo, Ramakers, and Howe, 2018). In addition, we will do almost anything to avoid feeling shame. In fact, avoidance is a common response to shame (McElvaney, Lateef, Collin-Vezina, Allaggia, and Simpson, 2022). One of the best ways to avoid feeling the shame of having been sexually abused is to deny that it ever happened.

2. You may have admitted to yourself that you were abused but at the same time convinced yourself that “it wasn’t all that bad.” You may have even convinced yourself that you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, even if there was some pleasure involved, this does not take away from the damage child sexual abuse does to the child. It is important for you to get past your denial and confusion about whether you were sexually abused or not and come to a place where you can tell yourself the truth about it. Begin to trust your symptoms and whatever memories you do have, no matter how vague.

Research identifies shame as a common outcome for survivors of child sexual abuse (MacGinley, Breckenridge, and Mowill, 2019) and many therapists agree that the primary damage caused by child sexual abuse is shame. Shame can take the following forms:

• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Self-destructiveness (engaging in dangerous activities such as unprotected sex, reckless driving)
• Disgust and hatred of the body, neglect of the body
• Sabotaging behavior
• Isolating and withdrawing behavior
• Addictions, including alcoholism, drug addiction, food addiction and sexual addiction
• Defenses such as putting up walls, perfectionism, need to be in control
• Re-enactments (getting involved with people who are replicas of one's abuser)
• Relationship problems, including negative patterns, difficulties with intimacy
• Sexual dysfunction, compulsive sexual behavior, and fantasies.

Self-blame and shame cause victims of CSA to be especially vulnerable to later sexual re-victimization. In one recent study, it was found that former victims of CSA stand a 35 times greater chance of sexual assault than non-victims. Below are some of the reasons victims of child sexual abuse tend to be at high risk of being sexually assaulted as adults.

• Re-experiencing symptoms are often numbed by alcohol and drug use, which can serve to impair judgment and defensive strategies.
• Former victims tend to denigrate themselves and often feel worthless. Victimized women, in particular, believe that they have brought the abuse on themselves and that they do not deserve to be treated with respect (Filipas & Ullman, 2006).
• A victim may be prone to making inaccurate or uninformed decisions regarding potential danger because of the fact that the trauma has been denied, minimized, or otherwise not fully integrated (Noll, 2003).
• Former victims tend to have sexual behavior problems and over-sexualized behavior.
• Former victims tend to have low self-esteem and poor body image. Girls and women who have a poor body image are more vulnerable to males taking advantage of their need for attention.
• They may feel powerless because the abuser has repeatedly violated their body and acted against their will through coercion and manipulation. When someone attempts to sexually violate them as an adult they may feel helpless and powerless to defend themselves.
• They don’t tend to respect their bodies. They may feel stigmatized and may feel like “damaged goods,” so don’t feel like there is any point in protecting their reputation or their body.

3. There are many reasons why former victims of child sexual abuse blame themselves for their own victimization. Children tend to blame themselves for what happens to them, partly due to the fact that children are very egocentric—meaning that they perceive everything as being about them— and partly because they don’t want to admit that their parents or other loved one might so something to hurt them. Still, another reason why victims blame themselves is that victim blaming runs rampant in our culture. But holding victims responsible for their misfortune is a way to avoid admitting that something just as unthinkable could happen to you.

Another reason why victims may blame themselves is that they feel they were a willing participant. Perpetrators of sexual abuse are master manipulators and can fool a child into thinking that he or she wanted the touching, enjoyed the touching, or actually initiated the sexual activities. Sex abusers often engage in what is called “grooming,” a gradual, calculated process that ensnares a child into believing he or she is a willing participant in the sexual abuse.

Victims of child sexual abuse often deny that they were abused, deny that it caused them any harm, and deny that they need help. There are many reasons for this denial, one of the most significant being that they don’t want to face the pain, fear, and shame that comes with admitting that they were sexually abused. This is understandable. But, a compassionate therapist who is specifically trained to work with sexual abuse victims can help you face these feelings and receive the healing you deserve.

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