Why Being a Little Hard-to-Get May Be the Best Approach to Romance

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Successful daters get their partner to invest in them and respond to their partner's needs in return. Sometimes, that means using scarcity to motivate a partner's interest, requiring that they contribute to the relationship, and knowing how to play hard-to-get. That also means knowing when to be responsive to a partner's interest and when to reward their positive behaviors.

Successful dating requires knowing how to give and take, as well as learning when to be responsive and when to be hard-to-get. Fortunately, research has explored this balance for us already—and points the way to a solution.

Research on Interpersonal Responsiveness

Research by Reysen and Katzarska-Miller (2013) explored how different levels of responding to a partner's romantic interest influenced their level of attraction. Specifically, the authors were interested in comparing being responsive vs. hard-to-get, in order to see which one actually drove attraction to a possible mate. Put simply, they wondered to what degree is it attractive to show interest (or disinterest) in a romantic partner?

The researchers suggested that Brehm's Emotional Intensity Theory might offer an answer. According to that theory, a person's emotional intensity is related to the difficulty of attaining a particular goal. Emotional intensity is low for easy goals because only a small amount of effort is required to accomplish them. Emotional intensity is also low for hard goals because the difficulty makes them seem unattainable and not worth the effort. Thus, only moderate goals are emotionally stimulating, because they are challenging enough to be exciting, but not too much to make them feel hopeless.

Reysen and Katzarska-Miller (2013) hypothesized that this same dynamic might be at work in romantic relationships. Therefore, they asked participants to evaluate scenarios about a potential partner at work who showed interest by talking to them every day (easy-to-get), 3 days a week (moderately hard-to-get), 1 day a week (hard-to-get), and a control condition where the frequency of conversation was unspecified. Then, the participants' evaluations were compared across categories to see which approach they found most attractive.

Initial results indicated that the most responsive partner (easy-to-get) was considered the most attractive. Nevertheless, further evaluation determined that the scenarios were confusing and participants may have had difficulty determining that the coworker was interested in them romantically. Because the situation was less clear and more difficult, an "easier" and more responsive partner was preferred.

Building from those initial results, Reysen and Katzarska-Miller (2013) conducted a second study, changing the scenario so that participants better understood that the coworker was romantically interested in them. In that situation, participants were most attracted to the coworker who acted moderately hard-to-get (speaking to them 3 days a week). Therefore, when romantic interest was clear, acting moderately hard-to-get (while still being moderately responsive, too) provided the optimal level of difficulty to pique a partner's interest. Consequently, the balance between difficulty and responsiveness suggested by Brehm's Emotional Intensity Theory was supported.

Finding Your Own Balance

In your own dating efforts, you may be ultimately looking to strike a balance between being an attractive challenge and being responsive enough that a partner thinks you are still attainable. Generally, this balance goes back to how we make sense of love and romantic relationships, desiring a mate that provides the excitement of passionate feelings and the comfort of satisfying companionship. That is why learning to be selective and moderately hard-to-get is often the most attractive interaction style. Nevertheless, to play moderately hard-to-get requires following the steps:

1. Get their interest: As noted in a previous article, playing hard-to-get only works when someone is already at least a little interested. Thus, being a bit of a challenge increases existing attraction, but it does not create it from nothing. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to the essential elements of attraction and work to highlight your own attractive attributes. It is also important to learn how to get the attention of potential partners and to find your own flirting style. Then, after you spark a partner's interest, you can begin to be a bit more aloof and challenging.
2. Respect your own time and needs: Generally, the "tactics" of playing hard-to-get are behaviors expressed by someone who is secure and confident. Such individuals are social and responsive, yet are often busy and value their activities. Therefore, they can be hard to get in touch with, may be slow to respond, and certainly do not "drop everything" for a potential date. As a result, they do not fall into the trap of the nice guy or gal, who is often over-eager and rewarding to bad partners who are a waste of time. Given that, you do not need to be cruel or play games to be a challenge. Simply work on improving your own self-esteem, respect your own time and needs, and expect a partner to respect you, too.
3. Create rewarding interactions: When a partner does make an effort and is respectful, then it is important to reward their good behavior. That helps to ensure that they keep treating you well and are motivated to continue to pursue you. Furthermore, make sure to build a good rapport and connection with your date or partner as well. Taken together, this approach will help to create a rewarding relationship for you both.
4. Provide a unique relationship opportunity: In the end, you will find a balance between valuing your own time and rewarding the positive overtures of your partner. Essentially, you will ultimately become selective about whom you share your life and love. Thus, you will build your relationship on an authentic form of scarcity. As a result, you will truly become moderately hard-to-get, as you and your partner will be attainable to each other—and nobody else.

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