Understanding and Dealing With Interpersonal Rejection

Dating and meeting new people can be a challenging process. Some people have had specific negative and punishing experiences with dating. Others are trying to work through and reduce their anxiety about dating overall. As a result of these experiences and anxieties, single individuals deal with various misconceptions and generalizations about rejection too.

Even with the best experiences and mindset, however, some concern and negative reactions to interpersonal rejection are still to be expected. We can feel hurt and stressed when our interest is not reciprocated. We try to reduce our confusion and figure out what happened. Then we make decisions about how best to move on in the future.

Fortunately though, according to research, that pattern of emotional, cognitive, and behavioral reactions to interpersonal rejection is fairly standard and predictable. As a result, by reviewing that research, we can know what to expect ahead of time and reduce our fear of the unknown. From there, we can also plan how to best navigate through the process as well—alleviating unnecessary stress and confusion too.

Research on Interpersonal Rejection

A comprehensive review of the research literature on interpersonal rejection was presented by Richman and Leary (2009). From that review, the pair also developed an overall model of the rejection experience in general. According to that model, individuals who experience interpersonal rejection undergo a three-stage reaction process:

• An immediate and negative emotional response, which tends to temporarily lower the individual's self-esteem.
• Followed by more thoughtful consideration of the facts about the rejection itself, the other person's behavior, the value of continued interaction with them, and expectations about relationships with others in the future.
• Leading to a motivated response to the rejection, which tends to be focused on either prosocial, antisocial, or withdrawal/avoidance behaviors.

From that initial framework, Richman and Leary (2009) provided more details regarding how particular considerations about the rejection experience can lead to the different types of behavioral responses. They also provided examples and more thorough discussions of the responses themselves as well. Putting that information together, we have the following:

• Prosocial Behaviors are motivated by the goal of increasing other people's acceptance and promoting relationships with them. Particularly, the individual experiencing rejection becomes more attentive to social information, acts in ways that are more cooperative and attractive to others, shares and mimics the behavior of others, and seeks out alternative relationships as sources of support. In general, individuals experiencing rejection are most likely to choose to behave in such a prosocial way when they consider relationships to be valuable and believe they can improve their relationship situation in the future. In contrast to this generally positive prosocial reaction, however, an individual may focus their efforts on seeking the specific acceptance of the individual who has been rejecting toward them instead—especially, if they see few alternatives for relationships with other people. Thus, prosocial behavior motivations can either help the individual find successful relationships elsewhere, or keep them stuck trying to win the approval of someone who does not reciprocate their feelings.
• Antisocial Behaviors, in contrast, are motivated by the desire to express and share negative feelings. Essentially, with such behaviors, the individual experiencing rejection is rebuffing, snubbing, or acting out against the person (or people) who they conclude are rejecting them. These behaviors can run the range of simply expressing less empathy and consideration, to impaired self-control, to expressions of anger and aggression. Individuals tend to choose to behave in an antisocial manner when they perceive that the person rejecting their request has been unfair toward them in some way. Such reactions are made worse when the individual devalues relationships and perceives little-to-no way of improving or repairing those connections in the future. In that case, the person essentially (and mistakenly) feels that they have "nothing to lose" by acting out in such a negative way.
• Withdrawal/Avoidance Behaviors, are motivated by the aim of limiting or avoiding negative interpersonal interactions. This may be as specific as the individual leaving the particular rejection situation at hand, or as general as avoiding all such situations in the future. The degree of that withdrawal, in turn, is often determined by whether the rejection is seen as an isolated incident by a specific individual, or generalized to other situations as being untrustworthy as well. Given that, individuals tend to withdraw from a specific situation when they do not place a high value on that relationship and see the possibility of alternative relationships elsewhere. In contrast, individuals tend to withdraw more generally when they have lower expectations of relationships getting better in the future and perceive rejection as more chronic and pervasive too.

Looking at these strategies as a whole, the most successful approach for dating appears to be a combination of Prosocial Behaviors toward others in general, combined with Withdrawal/Avoidance of specific people who have actually been rejecting. That combination tends to help an individual be desirable to potential partners (by being generally prosocial), while most easily moving on from specific others who are not interested in them (with selective withdrawal), in order to best find someone who reciprocates their interest. That pattern of dating behavior also avoids the pitfalls of continuing to pursue someone who is not interested, avoiding everyone, or acting out negatively and becoming unattractive to other potential partners. Nevertheless, being motivated toward such a pattern of dating behavior requires an individual to hold certain beliefs about dating, especially when facing interpersonal rejection. Specifically, those beliefs are:

• Valuing relationships in general: This helps motivate prosocial behaviors, and reduces the motivation to become antisocial or withdraw.
• Believing that the overall relationship situation can be improved: The individual needs to feel that their love life can get better and is not doomed to failure overall. This also helps to motivate self-improvement and other prosocial relationship efforts, rather than giving up.
• Seeing the possibility for other relationships: Essentially, this is the idea that there are other potential partners out there (i.e. "other fish in the sea"). Understanding that there are other options out there helps an individual move on from specific people who are not romantically interested in them, while also helping them to stay hopeful (rather than getting angry or avoidant).

Relationships Essential Reads

Too Much Therapy-Speak Can Ruin Your Relationship

The Seductive Realm of the Possible

Dealing With Rejection Yourself

Taking the above process into consideration, dealing with interpersonal rejection is largely about learning to cope with the initially negative feelings and then evaluate the specific situation. The goal of that evaluation is to (1) minimize the pain of the current interpersonal rejection and (2) maximize the chances of finding a satisfying partner elsewhere. To achieve those goals then, when facing interpersonal rejection, the following steps can help:

1) Be Mindful of Your Self-Esteem: One of the first and most predictable reactions to interpersonal rejection is for an individual to temporarily question their self-esteem and self-worth. This not only leads to negative feelings in the moment, but can also lead to feelings of worthlessness and settling for less in relationships in the longer term too. Or, in contrast, other individuals may become biased or judgmental against other partners to protect their own egos instead. Given that, it is important to be mindful of these temporary negative feelings and let them pass, rather than having a thoughtless and automatic reaction that may be problematic later. People say a lot of corny things to help at this step, which may be hard to listen to in the moment when you are feeling negative. But, they are right. You will be OK in time, things will get better in the future, and there is someone else out there for you too.

2) Check for Cognitive Distortions: After addressing negative self-feelings, it is important to consider other biases and beliefs that can distort perceptions of the situation too. Specifically, individuals can often personalize or overgeneralize when experiencing rejection. In other words, they might jump to the conclusion that they are being rejected personally, when there may be a number of non-personal reasons for the other person's disinterest. Or, they might conclude that "no one" is interested in them, instead of keeping focused on the specific situation. Therefore, to best deal with rejection, it is important to keep a clear perspective—and realize that it is usually not personal and is specific to the situation at hand. Reducing such biases also helps to maintain hope for improvement and awareness of potential partners in the future.

3) Refocus on Self-Care and Self-Improvement: Coping can also be improved by focusing on constructive things that make you feel good about yourself too. Essentially then, rather than dwelling on a stranger's reaction, refocus on activities and improvements that would make you feel better about you. Beyond that, such self-improvements can often make someone more attractive to others as well—given that there are a number of ways of being attractive. Learning how to build rapport and connection with partners, making some small changes to your appearance, or acting a bit more positively can be easier and more effective than you might think. A bit of effort and success in any of those areas can help you feel better about yourself, motivate more prosocial behaviors toward potential partners, and make future relationship prospects more hopeful.

4) Look for Other Opportunities: The sting of interpersonal rejection can also be reduced by seeing that there are other potential partners out there too. Unfortunately, people often miss out on good partners because they do not have a clear sense of what they want in a partner—or have expectations that are unrealistic. Given that, to see the best and most options, it can help to have a clear sense of what will satisfy you in a partner, as well as what characteristics you are willing to trade-off in a mate. Once you are focused like that, it will be easier to find potential partners in a number of different ways—even through online dating or dating apps like Tinder. Again, the corny sayings are true—the sooner you "get back on the horse or bicycle" after falling off, the better you will feel.

Overall, dealing with rejection is not fun. If you do it thoughtfully, however, you can end up better for the experience. So, learn to manage the initial emotions as best as you can—and see the situation clearly as a short-term and isolated experience. From there, focus on prosocial behaviors, self-improvement, and identifying other potential partners who could be more satisfying. In the long run then, by not giving up, looking for the positive, and selectively avoiding the rejecting, you will improve your chances of finding the love you want.

© 2020 by Jeremy S. Nicholson, M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D. All rights reserved.