5 Things You Need to Know About Your Teen Right Now

Source: Sorapop Udomsri/Shutterstock

No one can deny it has been a crazy hard year. While I deeply miss things like going to dinner with my friends, the crush of a live concert, and unencumbered air travel, I know it is nothing compared to what my teenagers have missed out on. The fact is, 2020 has been just one of my 50-plus years. It was supposed to be a lot like the year before and a lot like the year to come.

For my high school senior, this was supposed to be a year like no other, one he worked and planned for in many ways since starting school as a young child. For his older brother, who turned 20 last month, leaving his teens was supposed to mean a year of travel and adventure. He was going to see the world. Instead, he saw his world shrink.

As we push through these next several months, here are five things for parents of teens to keep in mind:

1. They are trying their best. Adolescents are going through a remarkable time of neural development, one where identities are formed, friendships are essential, and big feelings rule. But much like young children, they still want to do well. I have spent the past nine months talking with teen clients about the many ways functioning in a world completely void of contextual cues has impacted them.

While some have thrived in Zoom school, others have struggled mightily. Absent the cues—crowded hallways, a teacher talking at the front of the room, the hard, molded chair with attached desk—finding the ability to focus day in and out has been exhausting. They are trying to keep up, to act as if there is some kind of normal. But nothing is normal, and their effort, whatever it looks like, is greater than you probably know.

2. They need a chance to do things on their own. The teen brain not only wants but needs to individuate from you. Healthy minds develop through trial and error, through the chance to fail, experiment, take risks, and even keep secrets. The thing is, pandemic time leaves little room for normal opportunities for such growth. But independence still matters, and that means it’s up to us to get creative.

Where I live, we have the benefit of a climate that allows for year-round bike riding and walks in the park, activities many of the teens I work with take advantage of (safely and wearing masks) with friends. In my own home, I’m lucky that my high school student likes to cook. Want to bake sourdough bread? Great, here’s how you can order what you need; go for it.

It’s a great time to set up a bank account if they don’t already have one, make their own doctor’s appointment, learn to do the laundry, practice driving, redecorate their room, or make their own phone calls to relatives. If you are still unilaterally setting the limits on screens, that may be another area to engage and collaborate with your adolescent about. Need more ideas? Brainstorm with your teen; I bet they have some.

3. Your reactions matter. Make no mistake—they might act like they don’t, but your teen still cares about what you think. Very much. If anything, all these months in close quarters have made them even more keen observers of your mood, your expression, your tone of voice. They are watching—and they are waiting, whether it’s for validation, a laugh, or reassurance that somehow everything’s going to be alright.

As much as they need individuation, they also need a safe container that only you can provide. This is just one of many reasons why it is so important to take care of yourself, too, during this time. Practicing good self-care and having your own support network is key to being there for your kids—even when they tower over you or drive your car.

Adolescence Essential Reads

5 Life Lessons for My Son Before He Leaves for College

Effortful Helping in Teenagers at Risk for Psychopathy

4. You may be missing important signs. Behind what may look like apathy or nonchalance, they may be more anxious or sad than you know. In one recent poll, 81 percent of teens said mental health is a significant issue for young people in the U.S., and 64 percent of teens believe that the experience of COVID-19 will have a lasting impact on their generation’s mental health. Even more concerning, 7 in 10 teens report struggles with mental health during this time.[1]

Warning signs might include: Avoiding friends, not enjoying things they usually find pleasure in, sleeping too much or too little, overeating or not eating enough, or being more irritable than usual. You are the expert on your child; if something feels off, it likely is. Don’t be afraid to talk about mental health and reach out for professional help if needed.

5. Hope heals, and you can offer it. I believe we instinctively know how to build resilience in our kids, but just in case, evidence from a recent study shows the presence of a supportive family can be protective against mental distress [2]. Hope begins at home, with believing in the power of loving and joyful connection, even on our darkest days. Look at actively cultivating hope with your teens as planting seeds for a brighter day.

In my house, we talk about deferred college tours we’ll take in the spring and a trip to visit friends in England we hope to make next summer. We reflect on good memories from the past and talk about how the story of this year will make one heck of a tale for them to tell one day. Gently explore with your teen what they look forward to in the months and years ahead, and then make sure they know you believe in them and all the gifts they have to offer, even on days when it’s the hardest to see it themselves.

Facebook image: Martin Novak/Shutterstock