How to Validate Yourself Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Today, external validation often dictates our choices and decisions, and the journey to trusting oneself can feel like a radical act of self-love and empowerment. But how does one cultivate this profound trust? How can you discern when you've truly found it? Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers valuable skills for self-validation and self-trust.

DBT works by balancing two seemingly opposite strategies: acceptance and change. Therapists validate clients’ feelings, showing acceptance and understanding, while simultaneously helping them work towards changing unhealthy behaviors. This dialectical approach helps clients feel understood and supported while being motivated to implement positive changes.

• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness helps you become aware of self-invalidating thoughts and replace them with self-validating ones.
• Distress Tolerance: Learning to tolerate distress and accept painful experiences without judgment or self-criticism.
• Emotion Regulation: Managing and understanding emotions so they don't overwhelm you and lead to self-invalidating thoughts.
• Interpersonal Effectiveness: Developing effective communication skills to assert yourself and respond to invalidation from others constructively.

By integrating these skills, individuals can learn to validate their own experiences, emotions, and thoughts, leading to greater self-trust and emotional resilience.

DBT Self-Validation Skills

Self-validation in DBT involves recognizing and accepting your own experiences, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. Here’s how to practice self-validation:

1. Describe Your Experience in a Matter-of-Fact Manner
   • Effective Response: Describe your own experience, point of view, emotion, or action in a matter-of-fact way.
   • Ineffective Response: "How stupid of me." Or putting yourself down for your response.
2. Be Open to Being Wrong
   • Effective Response: When someone disagrees with you, be open to being wrong and be okay with that. Check the facts.
   • Ineffective Response: Blast the other person and argue your point of view, even if you might be wrong.
3. Stand Up for Yourself
   • Effective Response: When you are checking the facts, stand up for yourself if you are correct or if your response is reasonable.
   • Ineffective Response: Assume that your experience of the facts is wrong. Give up and give in. Judge yourself and the person who invalidated you.
4. Accept Your Feelings
   • Effective Response: Accept that it hurts to be invalidated, and feel the pain.
   • Ineffective Response: Jump to anger and call yourself a wimp if you start feeling sad or alone.
5. Remind Yourself of Your Humanity
   • Effective Response: When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you are human, and humans make mistakes.
   • Ineffective Response: Blame and punish yourself for being wrong; avoid people who know you were wrong.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
   • Effective Response: Respond and talk to yourself with understanding and compassion. Remind yourself that all responses are caused and make sense if you explore the reasons long enough.
   • Ineffective Response: See yourself as "screwed up" or "damaged goods," and give in to shame and misery.

• Effective Response: Describe your own experience, point of view, emotion, or action in a matter-of-fact way.
• Ineffective Response: "How stupid of me." Or putting yourself down for your response.

• Effective Response: When someone disagrees with you, be open to being wrong and be okay with that. Check the facts.
• Ineffective Response: Blast the other person and argue your point of view, even if you might be wrong.

• Effective Response: When you are checking the facts, stand up for yourself if you are correct or if your response is reasonable.
• Ineffective Response: Assume that your experience of the facts is wrong. Give up and give in. Judge yourself and the person who invalidated you.

• Effective Response: Accept that it hurts to be invalidated, and feel the pain.
• Ineffective Response: Jump to anger and call yourself a wimp if you start feeling sad or alone.

• Effective Response: When you make a mistake, remind yourself that you are human, and humans make mistakes.
• Ineffective Response: Blame and punish yourself for being wrong; avoid people who know you were wrong.

• Effective Response: Respond and talk to yourself with understanding and compassion. Remind yourself that all responses are caused and make sense if you explore the reasons long enough.
• Ineffective Response: See yourself as "screwed up" or "damaged goods," and give in to shame and misery.

Skill Building for Self-Validation

Building self-validation skills is essential for fostering a healthy self-concept and emotional well-being. Use the following activities to practice self-validation and reflect on your progress.

Activity 1: Identifying Self-Validating and Self-Invalidating Statements

1. List one self-invalidating statement you made this week:
   • "I'm so stupid for making that mistake."
2. List two self-validating statements you made this week:
   • "I did my best given the circumstances."
   • "It's okay to make mistakes; I'm learning and growing."

Therapy Essential Reads

When Your Client Gets Ready to Die on You

Phenomenology in Psychotherapy

• "I'm so stupid for making that mistake."

• "I did my best given the circumstances."
• "It's okay to make mistakes; I'm learning and growing."

Activity 2: Reflecting on Invalidation Experiences

Describe a situation where you felt invalidated in the past week:

• "I felt invalidated when my colleague dismissed my ideas during the meeting."

Activity 3: Strategies for Self-Validation

Reflect on the strategies you used during the week:

• Checked all the facts to see if my responses were valid or invalid.
• Checked it out with someone I could trust to validate the valid.
• Acknowledged when my responses didn't make sense and were not valid.
• Worked to change invalid thinking, comments, or actions. (Stopped blaming.)
• Dropped judgmental self-statements. (Practiced opposite action.)
• Reminded myself that all behavior is caused and that I am doing my best.
• Was compassionate toward myself. Practiced self-soothing.
• Admitted that it hurts to be invalidated by others, even if they are right.
• Acknowledged when my reactions make sense and are valid in a situation.
• Remembered that being invalidated, even when my response is valid, is not a complete catastrophe.
• Described my experiences and actions in a supportive environment.
• Grieved traumatic invalidation in my life and the harm it has created.
• Practiced radical acceptance of the invalidating person(s) in my life.

Additional Questions:

1. What was the situation?
   • "During a team meeting, my suggestions were ignored, and I felt dismissed."
2. How did you respond to the invalidation?
   • "I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my worth, and chose to speak to a trusted friend afterward to validate my feelings."

• "During a team meeting, my suggestions were ignored, and I felt dismissed."

• "I took a deep breath, reminded myself of my worth, and chose to speak to a trusted friend afterward to validate my feelings."

By regularly practicing these strategies and reflecting on your experiences, you can strengthen your self-validation skills and enhance your emotional resilience.

Conclusion

Trusting and validating yourself is not just a personal achievement; it's a transformative journey towards living a life that truly aligns with your values and aspirations. By cultivating internal validation through DBT skills and embracing your intuition, you can achieve authenticity, empowerment, and lasting inner peace. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is essential in building a resilient and confident self.