The Mother-Daughter Bind

British poet Robert Browning said, “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” He couldn’t have said it better. Disappointment in love begins there, as well.

The mother-child relationship is innate and scientifically well-established, but through the lens of grief, this relationship becomes augmented. When people encounter trauma such as grief and loss, they begin to re-engage and reenact their past relationships in the present.

The mother-child relationship manifests in the adult’s daily activities. If an adult experienced a tumultuous relationship with their mother, it’s likely they’ll recreate the feelings and perceptions they learned and embodied as children. This is prevalent in the context of grief: as you move through grief, the mother's role affects engagement with others and with the self. The relationship between the child and mother creates a shadow over the child’s grieving journey, affecting their interactions. Throughout grief, the child subconsciously reaches for the mother, reenacting facets of their relationship.

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The "Mother Shadow"

"So I will keep you, day and night, here until the day I die. I'll be living one life for the two of us."
-Louis Tomlinson, “Two of Us”

In the grieving process, the Mother Shadow is an aspect of the Mother archetype for what was lost in the mother-child relationship. Visible within both the masculine and feminine parts of the Self, the all-consuming Mother Shadow aspect of the Mother archetype looms over the adult child. The "Shadow" refers to its access to the parts of you that are innate in nature, yet don’t want to be seen, grappled with, or communicated to. Think about the unspoken desires, motivations, and weaknesses that surface—all you might want to do is ignore them rather than face what could open up the door to emotional freedom from unresolved issues and pains.

Daughters are particularly prone to engaging with the Mother Shadow as a result of their socialization experiences. Unlike the Good Mother or Nourishing Mother archetypes, the Mother Shadow is hungry and insatiable, eating away at the daughter over time. And you, as the daughter, hear the Mother as your judge, your critic, and conversely, in your love language.

Throughout the grieving process, adults long for the Good Mother—the symbolic, nurturing, kind, and supportive mother—to validate their pain. However, the Mother Shadow relentlessly persists, seeking sole control over the daughter.

What Happens You Engage With the Mother Shadow?

Daughters who engage with the Mother Shadow throughout their grieving process hear her steadfast voice reverberating in their minds. This voice is loud and absorbing, casting a cloud over the daughter’s grief. The daughter hears Mother Shadow tell her, “Get over this—I need you again. Your feelings are not as important as your relationship with me.”

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Because of this, a daughter engaging with the Mother Shadow may experience:

• Self-neglect. The grieving daughter begins to detach from her own needs, retreating into a selfless state. She loses sight of her needs, instead becoming acutely conscious of the needs of others.
• Feelings of loneliness. The daughter, as a result of her past, feels her needs aren’t being met. However, due to the Mother Shadow, she’s unable to satisfy these needs for herself. Resultantly, she feels lost and stagnant, causing her to feel lonely and distant from those around her.
• A strong desire for control. The Mother Shadow is inherently controlling and seeks to exert her control over the adult daughter in every capacity. The grieving daughter may struggle to control her environment, and seek opportunities to substantiate the lack of control she experiences.

How to Reclaim Control

• Give yourself permission to grieve. The Mother Shadow is selfish, but you don’t have to give in to her demands. Create space and time for yourself to grieve and experience your pain; be a little selfish if you feel it prudent. Feel on your own time and in your own way.
• Design a personalized mantra to cope with your pain. The Mother Shadow is loud and boisterous, and you can be, too. Come up with your own personal mantra to combat the Mother Shadow’s words. Creating a personalized affirmation statement to cope with what she’s telling you can free you from her grasp.
• Learn to accept your lack of control. The Mother Shadow’s control can spill onto your day-to-day life. You can’t control the Mother Shadow, nor can you control what is outside of you. External, negative events happen, and you don’t have to understand them to accept them.

You choose which mother archetype you engage with and you have control over your response to Mother Shadow’s messages. The Mother Shadow isn’t worth entertaining, as she doesn’t seek to serve you and your healing.