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Recently, I came to the realization that I have been stuck in a rut. Since the moment of my self-diagnosis, I've been wondering why I let my negative feelings persist.
When you get a splinter in your foot, you stop what you're doing and turn your mental and physical resources to getting that splinter out. (I've personally tackled splinters with the dedication of a mad scientist—determined to fix the problem no matter how long it took and how gross it made my foot look.) Yet there was emotional pain stabbing away at me every day and I did little more than complain about it.
Why are people so accepting of their psychological splinters?
I think the answer lies in the efficiency of our coping mechanisms. We get so good at numbing our negative emotions that we lose the motivation to remove the underlying problem. Besides, our brains are very good at habituating, or gradually coming to ignore familiar stimuli, even if they are aversive. With a slow slip into a rut, there is no sudden stab of pain, so this unhealthy, unfulfilled state begins to feel normal.
To claw our way out of a rut, we have to stop protecting ourselves from the real pain embedded just beneath the surface. We have to rediscover the freshness and vibrancy of our discomfort so that it pushes us into recovery.
Here are 5 ways to get in touch with your negative emotions and put them to work for you:
1. Do a numbing cleanse.
For one week straight, stop putting Band-Aids on your emotions. Don't watch TV. Don't listen to music. Don't consume drugs or alcohol. Don't call your cheerful friends to talk about cheerful things. Don't eat sugar. Create a quiet, empty space to discover what you actually think and how you feel.
2. Schedule a pain date.
We often shush our feelings because they seem to interfere with our plans. Spend some quality time with your negative emotions and without distractions or time restrictions. Listen to your worst feelings with patience and wonder, and without interrupting or trying to lessen your pain. It won't be the most romantic date you have, but it just might be the most meaningful.
3. Examine it all in one go.
When we discuss our pain, we tend to share the Cliffs Notes version and merely skim the surface of our experience. Or we get fixated on just one aspect of our feelings, dwelling on one memory or event. On the contrary, my rut recovery started when my dear friend and colleague, Roi Ben-Yehuda, challenged me to keep talking (and talking) even when I squirmed and resisted. He asked questions that forced me to look at all facets of my rut all in one (long and uncomfortable) conversation.
This persistent, holistic approach reminds me of Marie Kondo's wildly effective rule of tidying your living space. She says the only real way to clean is "all in one go" rather than chipping away at the mess little by little. When you lay out all of your issues at once, you can see how they impact one another and spot the ones that no longer deserve a space in your emotional "closet."
4. Find the flip side.
Our negative emotions are wonderful at telling us what we don't want. But with a little bit of encouragement, they can also reveal what we most want and need. So if you don't want to feel something, gently redirect your attention and ask yourself what you do want.
For example:
- Sadness is triggered by loss. To understand your feelings of sadness, ask yourself, "What do I wish I could hold onto?" or "If I could get anything back, what would it be?" or "What is precious to me?"
- Stress is triggered by the perception that we don't have the resources (e.g., time, money, ability) to achieve our goal. To understand your stress, ask yourself, "What is important for me to achieve and why?" or "What will make me feel more capable of achieving it?"
- Fear is triggered by a loss of safety. To understand feelings of fear, ask yourself, "What do I want to be protected from?" or "What would make me feel more secure?"
5. Say thank you.
It might sound odd, but appreciating your negative emotions makes it easier to release them. Say "thank you" to your pain for trying so hard to protect you. Like people, once your pain feels heard and appreciated, it is less likely to keep talking.
Despite our understandable preference for living pain-free lives, we have to acknowledge that pain is one of our greatest teachers. Just think about the danger of congenital insensitivity to pain—a condition in which people do not feel physical pain. It sounds like a dream come true until you realize that having no pain awareness leads to injuries like wounds, bruises, burns, and biting off chunks of your tongue. When we listen to our pain, we discover what's missing, and we can take steps to feed our deepest, quietest needs.
