Setting a Boundary, With Myself

Do you:

• Get trapped in your head and thoughts
• Go round and round with your internal dialogue
• Feel controlled by your thoughts, feelings, or body sensations
• Consistently find yourself thinking: Yes, but
• Think others would be horrified by the way you speak to yourself

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you may have a problem setting boundaries with yourself.

If you’re like me, you’re inundated with posts and podcasts about setting boundaries—with your kids, pets, parents, colleagues, and even your smartphone. But all of these focus on external boundaries. What if the boundary you need to set is an internal one? One with your thoughts (and, by extension, memories), feelings, and sensations. What if that’s the real boundary you need to set?

Solid internal boundaries might look like:

1. Noticing when you’re engaged in a behavior that’s not serving you, either by keeping you stuck, and or not allowing you to move forward. Everyone loves a good rant once in a while, but notice if ranting, complaining, or bitching is a routine behavior. Once you observe it’s happening, you can decide how you want to proceed.
2. Stopping behaviors like worrying and ruminating might work temporarily but only reinforce anxiety in the long run. Even though we may tell ourselves that we hate worrying, many of us find ourselves repeating the pattern. We think, “It’s doing something.” Or, “Doing something is better than nothing.” Plus, for many, worrying is preferable to uncertainty.
3. Being less on autopilot and more intentional about how you’re interacting with your internal experience. One of the reasons external boundaries are important is, they prevent people from taking advantage of you. Often, my clients speak as if they’re being taken advantage of by their thoughts and feelings. Initially, they feel at the mercy of their moods, but when they learn how to be present, they don’t feel as controlled by “what ifs.”
4. Noting how you’re treating yourself. Being kind to yourself is a practice, perhaps one not as familiar as being critical.

5 tips for setting effective internal boundaries:

1. Practice noticing. I’ve noticed how the eyes of clients glaze over when I say “mindfulness” or “meditation.” I’ve started using the word “noticing” instead. The more we can notice what’s happening inside our head (concerning our thoughts and feelings), the better shot we have at pulling ourselves out of the rabbit hole faster (or not going down it, to begin with).
2. To help notice, set several reminders on your phone to check in and pay attention to how you’re feeling. It doesn’t have to take more than a couple of minutes. When the reminder goes off, settle into your body and tune in to what you’re thinking, feeling, and sensing.
3. Recognize engagement. If you’re spending more than a few seconds on a specific thought (or feeling or sensation), or if you keep returning to it or analyzing it, take notice.
4. Once you notice what you’re doing, stop the behavior! Move your attention to something outside your head. Your brain will try to take your attention back to the thought (or feeling). That’s normal. Gently redirect it back to the other thing, for as long as it takes. This is how the brain learns. It takes a lot of repetition!
5. Go do something that matters to you, not something that feeds your anxiety. Get active, play with your dog, call a friend, or dig in your garden. Avoid social media and anything else that keeps you in your head.

Every time your brain tries to overstep the boundary, gently remind it that you’re not going there, and continue with life. You may need to do this 20 times every minute, but the moment will pass. It always does. As you do this more and more, your brain will eventually learn the new boundary. What a gift that will be.