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Key points
- Empathy helps builds a strong relationship between parent and child.
- A good starting point for effective dialogue with your children is checking in with yourself.
- Negative communication patterns can be altered with creativity and humor.
Children are back in the classroom. When they come home from their school day, what are the best ways to check in with them? The importance of communication with our children is arguably more important than ever with the 21st-century dangers of excess screen time, vaping, cyberbullying, and more threats to their health and well-being. While we cannot be “perfect parents,” we can strive for an open and genuine connection that will help our children feel secure and confident during their developmental journey.
Here are some tips to help promote healthy communication between parents and their kiddos.
Check in With Yourself.
Check in with yourself before broaching any tough topics with your children. If you are already in a negative headspace or tired from a long day, that’s rarely a good time to engage in dialogue with your children. Take the extra 5 minutes to do some deep breathing or clear your head so you are ready for whatever your kids might dish out.
Collaboratively Create Communication Guidelines.
Anchors and ground rules for family communication, such as “We are all on the same team,” “No name-calling,” and “Speak from your own experience,” are helpful to establish ahead of time. With this foundation, you can continue to go back to the guidelines when tough topics come up, or strong emotions want to take over. You can get creative and turn your guidelines into an art project so there is a physical reminder of these family mantras.
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Practice Empathy.
By empathizing with your children, it increases the chances they will feel understood and heard. Empathizing is a form of active listening. For younger children, the empathy might be physical, like a hug or acknowledging the “ouch” to their tumble. For older kids, empathic statements are often more effective for communication than giving advice or solving their problems for them.
Unsure of how to empathize? Start out by mirroring back a few words your child said (“Oh, you cried when she stole your burrito from the lunch line”—real-life example, by the way!). You also can demonstrate empathy by reflecting back any emotions you saw on your child’s face, such as “That sounds upsetting” or “How frustrating!”
Stop the Negative Cycle With a Code Word.
Finding yourself trapped in a negative communication cycle? Give yourself and your children the power to snap yourselves out of it. If someone yells uncontrollably or throws something, pick a “code word” ahead of time that you can use to remind you all to stop what you are doing, take a pause, regroup, and return to better communication practices. The sillier the word, the better… I’ve had clients choose fruit names, like “mango” and “banana.” Disrupt unhelpful exchanges with a fruity reminder to use communication that is respectful of yourself and each other.
Healthy communication is a skill you can learn and that needs to be practiced. We can’t rescue our children from every possible danger at school nor solve all the problems they face when we are not with them. However, we can let them know we are here for them through genuine empathy and role-modeling collaborative engagement.
