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Recently I was approached by a couple who was going through a particularly rough patch in their marriage. Each came to me separately, and because I’m close to both, I wanted to be supportive and so I got involved. Mind you, they were both talking to me at different times and not at all to each other, unless it was to argue.
After a few days, going on for hours per day, I realized that they weren’t that interested in what I had to say. Any recommendations I would make were either dismissed or ignored. In fact, as I would respond to a comment, they would interrupt me to present another thought or tell me I was way off base. Their reactions weren’t really surprising because advice wasn’t necessarily what each person was looking for. What they really wanted was an ally and someone who would validate their perspective.
At that point, I told both that I could not continue operating in the middle of their relationship. Getting out took some finessing. I couldn’t just say that I didn't want to be involved anymore. That could be interpreted as indifference – that I didn’t care enough about either of them to help with their problem. Instead, I had to explain that it’s because I do care about them that I needed to step away. As long as they continued talking to me, they wouldn’t talk to each other, and so they could not resolve their problems. I also explained that I could not take sides – I cared about both of them equally and knew I should not support one side over the other.
It’s not unusual to be dragged into the middle of a friend’s marriage. When a couple has problems, they will look to their friends for comfort and support—and allies. We want to be there for them, to show them we care and to help however we can. We actually discussed this issue in a previous article, doing so from the side of the couple. In this article, we’re talking about the perspective of a friend who is asked by the problem couple to get involved.
So, is getting involved a good idea or helpful, and should you do it? The short answers are no, no, and no. Despite your good intentions, you will actually get in the way and might make things worse by dividing the couple further. Keep in mind that you’ve been picked as a mediator because the couple believes you will support their side of the story. They might not be looking for you to objective because objectivity is not what they’re looking for. And even if you try to stay verbally neutral, your body language might give you away, and so your perceived reactions can become a weapon for each to use against the other.
More importantly, when you insert yourself into another couple’s conflict, they lose opportunities to learn how to solve their problems together. That skill is important; not only can they fix what’s wrong, but working through problems together actually builds their connection. And just as importantly, if you get into the nitty-gritty of their relationship, you will be privy to their secrets. Suppose, for example, their discussions touch upon sexual problems, and you’re provided with all the details, and by that I mean way too much information. These are issues you will not forget, nor will they forget that you know them. Their private life and most intimate secrets can get in the way of your friendship long after their marriage problems have been resolved.
That’s not to say that we should never discuss problems with others. We can provide friends and family with valuable emotional support when times are bad, as they can for us. We are a counter-balance to the negativity they’re dealing with at home, just as our spouse might be when we’re coping with problems with our own friends, co-workers, or family members. But you can’t be much help in fixing someone else’s marriage – their marital issues won’t get resolved until they work through them with each other, without the assistance of outsiders. That’s the only way they can negotiate solutions that work for both of them.
Nevertheless, if you do find yourself in this situation, try not to take sides and or make judgmental comments about one partner to the other. Your best advice is for the partners to talk to each other or to seek marriage counseling. You’ll sleep better knowing you didn’t play the role of mediator.
