Middle Schoolers on Social Media

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In the wake of the Surgeon General’s Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, many parents are looking for clear guidance on the next steps. Fortunately, there are some key strategies for digital well-being around which there is a lot of agreement. These include protecting sleep, encouraging movement, prioritizing connection, and paying close attention to digital content.

Do the data tell us to delay until high school?

Another strategy that has gotten a lot of traction is to delay social media until after middle school. We don’t have data showing a causal relationship between early social media use and mental health problems. A large recent study did find an association between earlier device ownership and worse mental health as adults. But it’s also quite possible that this relationship was driven by other factors that the study didn’t control for.

That said, another study found that there may be “heightened windows of sensitivity” to social media use at different times in adolescence. This study found that it was only during early adolescence (11-13 for girls and 14-15 for boys) and early adulthood (age 19) that higher social media use predicted a decrease in life satisfaction ratings a year later.

Early Adolescence: A Window of Sensitivity

This makes some sense from a developmental perspective. Brain regions associated with social comparison, peer feedback, and reward processing are especially sensitive at the beginning of adolescence. This can intersect with technology in both positive and negative ways.

On the positive side, young people are uniquely wired for peer connection during this time. Technology can certainly help young people deepen and extend friendships. On the other hand, Sophia Choukas-Bradley describes the perfect storm for body dissatisfaction that can emerge for middle schoolers who spend a lot of time with social media content emphasizing appearance and popularity.

To be clear, most experts agree that the outcomes for any specific middle schooler are driven by all kinds of factors, including young people’s strengths, vulnerabilities, offline contexts, access to support, and mental health history.

Despite the ongoing “muddiness” of the data, it’s certainly not a bad idea to delay. The Surgeon General has been eager to share his decision to do exactly that. He does make it clear, though, that his decision is rooted in a “do no harm” philosophy rather than definitive proof of inevitable harm.

What do middle schoolers need from us?

Middle school is not just a window of vulnerability. It is also a window of opportunity. We would be wise not to miss it. The adolescent brain is built to learn, especially through experience. That’s why they need us to step meaningfully into their digital lives, whether they are on TikTok or not. Tweens need us to lead with the following:

Curiosity

During early adolescence, there is often a tension between parents’ focus on safety and control and tweens’ growing desire for independence.

We don’t resolve this tension by relaxing all ground rules and expectations. But heading into adolescence with a rigid view that all time on phones and social media is bad doesn’t help either. Not only is it inaccurate, but it also positions screen time as an inevitable battleground. As researchers Emily Weinstein and Carrie James remind us, ensuring tweens know that “a conversation isn’t always going to lead to immediate sanctions or new rules” is key to keeping lines of communication open.

Maintaining a “curious stance” helps us catch digital strengths and opens up the possibility for collaborative problem-solving. But how do we get there? We practice.

Harvard School of Education’s Project Zero offers a compelling prompt to help us cultivate this mindset: “I Used to Think…Now I Think…” Be willing to shift your perspective as you engage with your tween or teen. Ask yourself, “What did I think before? What do I think now?” Then repeat.

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Connection

Middle schoolers rely on us to get creative with connection as they pull away from us and toward their friends. This includes creating screen-free times for fun and play, empathetic listening, and family rituals. But let’s not position screen time as the enemy of connection. Middle school is also a good time to connect in and around digital spaces. We can ask them to teach us how to play their favorite video games, watch YouTube videos together, and listen to their playlists. Having fun together in digital spaces builds up important relational capital we will need when we hit rough spots. Which we will.

Coaching

It’s tempting to keep repeating generic reminders like, “Think before you post!” and “Be kind online!” But young people tell us that this kind of advice is woefully insufficient by middle school.

Instead, middle school is all about growing complexity. It is the time to plant seeds and initiate conversations about what Project Zero calls "digital dilemmas," not just digital rules. Exploring challenges leaves room to brainstorm very specific strategies that tweens might self-employ as they gain control over their digital lives.

Project Zero offers another helpful guide for discussing digital dilemmas in ways that encourage thoughtful decision-making and skill-building. These conversations don’t need to follow a formal structure at home, but these four prompts still serve as useful reminders:

1. Identify. What’s the dilemma, and who is involved?
2. Feel. What might each person be feeling?
3. Imagine. What are the different options for handling the situation?
4. Say. What could the people involved say or do?

No matter what, don’t delay curiosity, connection, and coaching.

Every parent I know is making complicated trade-offs between competing needs when it comes to phones, gaming, and social media. There is no single strategy that works for every tween or teen. Some parents are going to choose to delay all devices and social media. Others aren’t. Many are going to do something in between. But all middle schoolers benefit from curiosity, connection, and coaching. Let’s not wait until they get a phone or join TikTok to get started.