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When I was 12 my father was diagnosed with HIV. He died of AIDS when I was 14. I wondered if there could be anything at all redeeming about what he and I and our family went through. For many years I drew a blank. My first reaction was “Why did my dad have to have AIDS? I felt I had been singled out for no good reason.
I think there is part of all of us that knows that it is natural to resent the slings and arrows of life, but that our resentment can eventually become a kind of self-administered poison. Many years after my father died I started to see that there were other dimensions to his illness and its impact on me. For example, his dying helps me understand what a tragic loss feels like. As a result I can relate to others who have lost someone with deep compassion and respect for the gravity of what they are going through. As a therapist, knowing this is as valuable as anything I ever learned in graduate school.
On some level we all want to avoid pain and feel good. We are hardwired this way perhaps because it helps us avoid danger. The pain you feel when you accidentally touch a hot stove lets you know that your hand is burning and removing your hand keeps you safe and hopefully stops the pain. But some amount of pain is unavoidable and if we resent and reject all pain all of the time then we are working against reality and missing a chance to grow.
Edra was diagnosed with breast cancer in her forties. She told me how her friend suggested just days after her diagnosis that maybe her life would be changed for the better. He urged her to consider the possibility that her cancer might eventually become a blessing in some way that she could not yet see. Edra was understandably angry with him at the time. But she told me that years later his prediction came true for her. Fortunately she made a full recovery and now feels more empowered and healthier than she ever had before.
The idea of misfortune as opportunity may seem trite. But whether the pain of illness, divorce, or depression, we cannot avoid all pain all of the time so why not look for a more meaningful way to engage it? In social anxiety is an opportunity to learn to take better care of yourself. In a mid life crisis is a chance to free yourself from old beliefs about who you are and how your life is supposed to be. Out of depression comes the realization that you want and need to live a more authentic life.
These are some examples from the people I have known as a therapist over the years. For these clients, and many others like them, what started out as misfortune has become a kind of fertilizer that has left their lives richer. From this vantage point all of life, the pleasure and the pain, has its purpose.
© 2016 Christa Smith
