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Key points
- We perceive a high threat in sexual conflict, and our instinct is to run, avoid, or pretend nothing is wrong.
- Sexual problems often reveal some of the problems that are lurking in our larger relationship.
- If we don’t talk it out, we’ll act it out—so speak up!
- Mindfulness in the relationship can help couples identify and resolve conflict and create greater intimacy.
Here’s a truth about sexual conflict: Sometimes we don’t give attention to problems until they’re so heavy they force us to pay attention, like when we feel pain in our body, pain in our mind, or dreadful emotional pain. At some point, we are forced to address it and face the process of forgiving ourselves, others, or the situation. Until we face the problem, we sit in the struggle, we deplete our energy, and cannot move forward. Being aware and speaking up are the first steps in finding a resolution.
Sexual problems often reveal some of the problems that are lurking in our larger relationships. These problems are played out in a very intimate way through sexual struggles that repeat over and over. We play the pursue/avoid game, we tussle with power and who has it or who uses it to control, we even resist emotional intimacy within the most intimate act of sharing bodies with each other.
Why does sex reveal so much about of our larger package of problems?
How do patterns in your sexual relationship reveal patterns in the overall relationship?
Ester Perel talks about sexual interaction being a bit of a microscope on our larger relationship.[i] If we’re a little stingy in sex, it may reflect a more generalized relational condition. Maybe we struggle to think of our partner because we are overly self-obsessed, or maybe we feel we are being taken advantage of, so we withhold initiation or reciprocation.
The antidote is, of course, once we’ve identified our struggle—speak up! Let your partner know. But most people report that they avoid this step because it might create conflict, so they opt instead to suffer in silence or they begin acting out. Sadly, it is a truism that if we don’t talk it out, we’ll act it out.
Why are we so afraid of conflict?
Here are a few reasons researchers have found that we don’t address problems.[ii]
Sexual conflicts are similar to non-sexual conflicts, in that we perceive a high threat and so our instinct is to run, avoid, or pretend nothing is wrong. Here are the three common perceived threats:
- Threat to relationship. People are afraid the conflict discussion will irreparably harm the relationship. In other words, they value their relationships even when they’re not happy relationships. Said another way, they’d rather stay silent than risk a conflict that might improve the relationship but might also tear the relationship apart.
- Threat to partner. People fear the conflict discussion will hurt their partner’s feelings. They care about their partner’s well-being even when they’re not happy with the way their relationship is going. Again, they’d rather muddle through without speaking up than create an uncomfortable situation, even if there’s a chance of making things better.
- Threat to self. People fear the conflict discussion will make them vulnerable and open up the possibility of not being accepted and loved. They may reveal too much, and their partner may disapprove or shame them. We crave our partner’s approval, and losing their approval is an enormous contributor to why people fear talking about sensitive issues in their relationship.
Research also found that conflict about sex resulted in even higher levels of perceived threat to self than did non-sexual confrontations.
We are quite vulnerable in sex. Naked bodies are revealed. Our basic desires are acted out. Our egos are open and exposed. Additionally, authentic conversations about sex are often viewed as an embarrassing topic, so they’re avoided altogether. Or we may relieve the uneasiness by turning sexual discussions into jokes or conveying an attitude that “I don’t really care anyway.” Hopefully, we aren’t fooled by that attitude, and neither are our partners. The truth is, we care deeply.
How can we overcome this hesitancy to talk with each other?
Break the Pattern. It just takes one of us to break the pattern. Be a little courageous and speak up. “I really appreciated how you were so honest about your desire this morning. One thing I really desire is . . . .”
Mindful Embrace.[iii] A mindful embrace is one way to slow down and evaluate where the relationship is. A mindful embrace is simple. Stand facing each other and loosely embrace. Support your own weight, but just be quietly proximate to your partner in a gentle hug. Do this for 5-10 minutes. A mindful embrace is a powerful way to reconnect each day!
Notice how you felt during the embrace. What thoughts or feelings came up for you? Are there feelings of connectedness or is there a lingering problem? If there is a lingering problem, sit with each other for a few moments after the mindful embrace, put your foreheads together, and quietly talk about how you feel. No accusations. Just talk about feelings of sorrow, loss, disappointment, or regret. It’s normal to feel hesitant to bring up a problem. But for those willing to do the work, it doesn’t have to stay that way. Remember that conflict or addressing a problem is the opportunity for greater intimacy.
Open Up Emotionally.[iv] Commit to open up about something sensitive or joyful or vulnerable frequently—maybe once a week. This helps to clear the air, maintain connection, and show your partner that you really value the relationship and sex.
It’s these little changes that bring about other changes that can strengthen a relationship.
References
Rehman, U. S., Balan, D., Sutherland, S., & McNeil, J. (2018). Understanding barriers to sexual communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Advance online publication. DOI: 10.1177/0265407518794900.
Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (2021). The sexual mindfulness project: An initial presentation of the sexual and relational associations of sexual mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 32-49.
Leavitt, C. E., Allsop, D. B., Gurr, J., Fawcett, E., Boden, J., Driggs, S., & Hawkins, A. J. (2021). A couples’ relationship education intervention examining sexual mindfulness and trait mindfulness. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1-13.
