Why Narcissism Is So Under-Appreciated

When it comes to love, narcissism gets bad rap. Sure, if you're diagnosed with Narcissism, as in "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," that's a very serious problem. But in romantic love, narcissism is less of a problem.

How Narcissism Works When Falling in Love

Have you ever met someone, and after a few minutes of conversation, find yourself falling madly in love with them? Sometimes we don't even need to hear them talk before our eyes lock onto theirs across a crowded room and you know they're special; you know you have to meet them; you know this thing—whatever it is—is going to be really good. What happened here was narcissism.

Loving without Knowing

The concept of loving someone without knowing them is utterly indefensible. Whether it was a glance across a crowded room or a few minutes of conversation, our incredibly complex brains take in an incalculable number of variables: the other person's looks, vocal tones and intonations, micro-expressions in their face, and so on. When enough of those variables match what we think are “ideal,” we fall in love. But this isn't love. We may be “in love," but what’s going on is simply, "What I love about them is what I love about myself."

Source: Paige Cody / Unsplash

Example

I notice a woman's compelling looks and become smitten. How is that narcissism? Because she is conforming to what "I" consider ideal. In this sense, she reflects my take on what represents beauty. It could be her smile or her eyes or whatever because, in that moment, what is beautiful to me is about me.

Getting to Know Each Other

As we get to know each other, I find out that she, too, adores 3rd century Thracian poetry (or college football). "That is so amazing! Me too!" I like eating box cereal for breakfast and she has always adored Tony the Tiger. I majored in philosophy in college and she finds that absolutely fascinating and wants to know all about it. You see how this is working? We are bonding and narcissism is essential to the process.

Narcissism and Compatibility

Narcissism, in fact, is the brain's recognition that the two of us have a high degree of compatibility. In these early days of love, it is our narcissism that encourages us to stay close and possibly build a relationship. That said, narcissism has a short fuse and may self-destruct in 90 to 120 days.

The Narcissistic Timeline

That's right, we have 90 to 120 days to enjoy unbridled "love at first sight." At about the 90-day mark, we begin to become aware of someone other than ourselves in the relationship. Furthermore, that someone has opinions that are different from our own: ideas about voting, grooming, life, and a lot of other differences (some charming; some not so charming) that only become apparent as we truly get to know one another.

Happiness vs. Narcissism

This process is going to happen with anyone you fall for. As pleasant as narcissistic love is in the short run, happiness, in the long run, is based on seeing a person for who they really are, in their entirety. This determines whether or not we are capable of loving them for them, as opposed to just loving those parts that reflect our own ideals.

The End of Narcissistic Love

When narcissistic love ends, around the 90 to 120-day mark, you have two options:

1. You move on and humbly recognize that you are not capable of loving just anyone as they are and that this wonderful person is one more example of your limitations.
2. You find yourself moved to change. Not to compromise what's really important but to become moved to grow beyond who you were before you met them.

Moving Beyond Narcissistic Love

When option 2 happens, you see the other for who they are and you can say that you truly love them just as they are. If they feel the same way then we have some very interesting possibilities, don't we? But before you start setting dates, remember: 90 to 120 days. During this phase of narcissistic love, you get to enjoy each other while continuing to perform your due diligence in the form of really getting to know one another. And, BTW, don't rush the process and claim you worked through your narcissism because you waited a whole 121 days before getting married (real story from a real client).

Narcissism Essential Reads

Do Narcissists Overestimate How Much People Like Them?

When Your Beloved Is a Narcissist: Four Core Themes

Building Something That Lasts

Because you're trying to build something together that will last, you want to know about those traits you find challenging. You want to know this because you need to know if you can live with those traits. Furthermore, you want the other person to know about your less-than-stellar traits, so they can decide if they can live with you.

Acknowledge Your Narcissism

By acknowledging your own narcissism in romantic love, you discover what variables you think are “ideal” for love. This allows you to understand yourself while making an intelligent determination on whether or not you can or cannot love the other person, as they really are, after the 90 to 120 days.