"Grey's Anatomy" and "Modern Family": Comfort in Relational Repair

One way I have found to spend time with my teenage daughter is to binge-watch "Grey’s Anatomy" and "Modern Family." I find it funny that "Grey’s" is so enticing for her as I used to binge-watch it myself before she was born.

In fact, "Grey’s" is one of the longest-running American television series. There are multiple reasons to be drawn into the show—the medical plot lines, the attractive actors, the plot twists and turns. Similarly, we love to binge-watch "Modern Family," another one of America’s long-running shows, which also draws one in through the attractive actors and plot twists, as well as humor. But I would argue that one of the most enduring qualities of both shows is the theme of relationship repair.

Relationship Repair

Relationship repair is central in psychology, as well as other disciplines, and is studied extensively. Repair is an essential skill for maintaining close relationships. It's the ability to mend fractures caused by conflict, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings. Dr. Becky Kennedy, among others, has recently shone a bright light on the importance of repair. Dr. Becky emphasizes that in relationships with one’s children in particular, but in all relationships, once you have acknowledged how the other person feels and taken responsibility for your own role in the relational rift, then one can offer repair. Repair can come in many forms, from a conversation about what happened to a simple apology.

The concept of relationship repair is rooted in multiple psychological theories. For example, Gottman and colleagues emphasize the importance of "positive affect" and "repair attempts" in countering negativity-inducing behaviors within relationships. Brené Brown discusses the courage it takes to apologize and take responsibility for one's part in a conflict and the importance of acknowledging hurt feelings and offering genuine amends. Tina Payne Bryson offers tools for repair including being present and actively listening, acknowledging the other's emotions and empathizing with them, and showing genuine remorse and being active in rectifying harm caused. Similarly, Daniel Siegel speaks about the cycle of rupture and repair in relationships. Siegel sees ruptures as opportunities for developing stronger relationships through this “rupture and repair cycle” that involves accepting that the rupture occurred, showing emotions effectively, acknowledging one’s own contribution to the rupture, and repairing the rupture.

Repair, Not Perfection

These scholars, among others, have demonstrated how repair—not perfection—is at the core of good relationships. As humans, we value relationships, but we also often make mistakes and “fail” in those very relationships that are important to us. Knowing that repair is not only possible but also important in relationships is comforting in many ways. We don’t have to be perfect; we need to acknowledge when we misstep and make mistakes and work on repairing the damage that was caused. We don’t need to give up on the relationship! Repair acknowledges that relationships that we value take work. The staying power of "Grey’s" and "Modern Family" speaks to our human need for strong relationships that allow for repair.