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Key points
- Consider your tone when giving feedback or criticizing your child's actions.
- Think carefully about the tone you use when criticizing others in the presence of your children.
- Let your child know that everyone benefits from corrections as they become their best selves.
Parents give their kids feedback regularly—usually regarding their behavior, but sometimes in response to their children’s questions or to information they volunteer about situations they’re dealing with. Parental feedback can range from low-stakes commentary on something their children have done to directions for avoiding serious consequences in the future.
Some children respond well to their parents’ coaching, while others reject it—retreating, deflecting, or denying it. The groundwork for their receptivity to your guidance is best laid early, and these last weeks of summer, as we approach the start of a new school year, can be a time to reflect on the effectiveness of strategies you have used in the past. Think about how you give your children feedback and how they receive it. Do they tend to shut down, or are they open to your thoughts and perspectives? Their responses and receptivity to your feedback are worth sorting out because you are their first and most constant teacher. No matter their age, you will have a lot more advice to give your children and for their benefit, you want to figure out how to ensure they will receive it.
As your input may be even more critical to their decision-making once the school year begins, what follows should help you with the following goals:
- To have your child understand your guidance in the manner you intend it and not brush it aside.
- To have your child understand your rationale and be capable of what you are encouraging.
- To have your child believe that your feedback can improve their lives in meaningful ways.
Consider Your Tone
To ensure that your child can hear your messages as you intend them, consider the tone of your delivery. It is easy for children to think you are shaming them when you offer corrective feedback, and no one likes to feel foolish or humiliated about their mistakes. In cultivating a strong relationship with your child, you want your behavior to show them that you know and value them—that you are sensitive to their temperament and aware of the impact your words might have on their feelings. At the end of the day, you want to be parents your child will seek out whenever they might need help with issues in the future. They will need your counsel even more down the line, but they are less likely to seek it out if they think you won’t be able to understand them.
Help Your Child Balance Self-Improvement with Self-Acceptance
Some children equate feedback with judgment and criticism, so it is helpful to let them know that everyone can benefit from feedback and hopefully only small corrections, although there are times when bigger corrections may be needed. You might offer an example like that of Roger Federer, who, in an interview as part of Louis Vuitton's Values campaign this year, shared how important it is not to take feedback too personally. Rafael Nadal, who was interviewed at the same time, said that he attributed part of his success to his passion for improving one little thing, adding that there's always a balance between making mistakes and having achievements. And he added that it’s important to surround oneself with people who inspire and motivate you. It is this inspiration and motivation you should strive for when giving feedback to your child.
Even when the intention is to be supportive, getting constructive feedback doesn't always feel good, especially if it calls attention to current shortcomings with which your child might be contending. Helping your child tolerate feedback that is given constructively in a non-shaming manner—whether from a teacher, a friend, or from you—is important to fostering their resiliency. And if your child does something hurtful, either intentionally or unintentionally, it’s important that their remorse is encouraged along with steps toward reparation.
Are You Modeling What You Want to Teach?
Take a minute to reflect on how you are modeling what you are trying to foster in your child. Do you ever mention your own imperfections? This can suggest that you are open to feedback as to how you can improve some aspect of your performance or behavior. Do you express satisfaction with your own accomplishments? Do you model a life that balances striving with acceptance? If all you show your child is unremitting effort, your child, who may not have your stamina and may not have internalized an intrinsic sense of reward yet, may feel overwhelmed by the standard they believe you are setting for them to live up to. This may result in your child having somewhat unrealistic goals and be frequently disappointed in themselves and others. Your child may need to see that tweaking efforts doesn’t mean that efforts are lacking or that they are lacking.
If you have a partner, how do you respond to your partner's feedback in front of your child? Are the two of you able to offer and accept corrective or aspirational comments about each other’s behavior? Or do you hold off on giving this kind of feedback to each other until your child is asleep or not around? Working together to demonstrate giving and receiving feedback without hostility or defensiveness will be extremely valuable to your child. Positive examples might include statements like “I wish you had told me that you would be late. Next time, could you let me know?” or “I know they didn't have x at the store, but could you call me before you leave next time so I can make a possible substitution?” Whatever your ways are of giving feedback and requesting something, recognize that this is setting up a baseline of expectations for your child. And if you hide such conversations from them for pragmatic reasons, keep in mind that your child will not be able to witness feedback as a normal, unthreatening part of daily interactions.
Your Children Can Read Between The Lines When You Criticize Others
Your child is watching you carefully, taking cues from you even when you aren’t consciously giving them. That’s why it’s as important to consider the kinds of comments you make about other people—those you don't know and those you know more closely. How often do you point out other people’s imperfections and what are you saying about them? Even subtle negative messages about people are absorbed by your children, and they become increasingly aware of the criteria you use to evaluate others. If you are constantly finding fault with others, it is not unreasonable to imagine that your child might worry you would judge them in the same ways, even if they never come right out and say so.
Wrap Up
- Consider your tone when giving feedback or criticizing your children's actions.
- Think carefully about the criticisms you utter around your children about others and your tone when doing so.
- Model for your children the normality of getting feedback and acknowledge that even when it’s necessary and helpful, it can sometimes be difficult to hear.
Remember that you are always teaching your children, even when not overtly. Finally, in order to build healthy communication and resilience, these important lessons need to be learned and practiced over and over by both you and your children.
