The Wrong Question to Ask Abuse Victims and What to Say Instead

Gayle King, anchor of CBS This Morning, asked British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs the question: Why didn't you leave?" This was in reference to the singer's abusive relationship with Shia LeBeouf. (See Part I of this series). In short, Lenore Walker's 1979 tension‐reduction theory may contribute to questions like King's that place the responsibility on the victim.

Apart from the methodological limitations of Walker's theory (as it was informed by limited interviews), in delineating abuse as cyclical in nature, this can further make victims feel at fault for not leaving the relationship sooner, as they should recognize a brief period of calm and note that the abuse is forthcoming.

More poignantly, the model notes periods of calm and kindness under a honeymoon phase; however, this period of kindness may be, in effect, another type of abuse, wherein the abuser attempts to control the victim's freedom to leave through coercive kindness, which can further induce cognitive dissonance, leading to the victim potentially changing his or her internal narrative from "this is unsafe for me and something is wrong with my partner" to "my partner is so loving and kind to me; they would never hurt me like that unless I did something wrong". These changes in behavior from dangerous abuse to extreme acts of love can create intense confusion and instability in the victim, wherein he or she may essentially begin to gaslight themselves as a result and in an attempt to resolve the cognitive dissonance. In normal relationships, acts of kindness and love are freely given; in abusive relationships, these acts may be manipulated and motivated to capture and control a victim.

Research has identified that women do not leave for a variety of factors, both external and internal, including economic dependency and the shortcomings of the criminal justice system, inadequate social support from workplaces and community agencies, as well as internal psychological processes and effects of socialization (like accepting the abuse), victimization events that produce fear, and victim traits, such as depression (Barnett, 2001).

Because abusive relationships are "bad", marred by control from start to end, it makes it very difficult for a victim to leave, with their sense of self-trust eroded. Further, many victims fear that leaving their abusers may lead to an escalation of abuse, and, as I've written about here, many female victims of abuse feel a necessity to leave only when they feel there is a real threat that they may be murdered; it is a very real possibility that until that point, victims may stay living with the abuse because it is relatively safe in comparison to what could happen if they were to attempt to break free.

If a victim of abuse chooses to disclose his or her incredibly painful and difficult lived reality, instead of asking "why didn't you leave", try saying this instead:

• I'm so sorry you've been through this; I am here for you if you'd ever like to talk about it.
• If you are comfortable sharing, can you help me understand what your relationship was like?
• Thank you for sharing this with me; I'm so sorry this has been your experience. How can I help?
• I've read that these sorts of relationships are incredibly difficult to leave; I can only imagine how much courage and bravery it has taken to leave. I'm really glad you're out.