Managing Holiday Expectations for Neurodivergent Kids

As parents, we have a natural instinct to help our children. We want to fix things for them; we don't want them to experience pain or suffering. We want them to live happy lives without stress and worry. But if you think about it, that isn't normal: Pain and stress are part of everyday life. And, as parents, our job is to teach our children to cope with pain and stress, not be free from it.

The holiday season is here, and it's a great time to start thinking about managing expectations with your children, especially with your neurodivergent child. I am doing the same as the parent of three wonderful daughters, one of whom is neurodivergent. In most cases, a thoughtful plan can help alleviate an entire afternoon of chaos. Consider specific examples of events with your child and how they might react to what seems like a usual childhood experience. Maybe your child won't receive the gift they want. Perhaps they don't like the way their holiday cookie is decorated. Anything, small or large, including attending a family gathering, can spark a meltdown. How, as parents, do we navigate it all? Here are a few tips:

1. You are the parent, not anyone else. Remember that it's not the job of another adult or child to parent our kids. If your child wanted a Lego set and his cousin received that gift, parents don't have to ask the children to trade. We also can't expect another child not to eat a piece of candy because we don't want our kid to have another lollypop. Focus on your own children and let other parents do the same.
2. Accept imperfection. (Yes, it’s hard.) We can set the environment in the best way we know but always anticipate a tantrum (or two). We must teach our children that there will always be some disappointment in life. We all learned this phrase in kindergarten: "You get what you get, and you don't get upset." I wouldn't say it out loud to your child – but you can think of it as a guide. Also, be kind to yourself, your spouse, and your family. Typically, what we see on social media around the holidays isn’t reality. Perfection truly doesn’t exist, and it’s not that much fun anyway.
3. Set boundaries with family and friends to maintain a routine. If we know a gathering will include many sugary options, ensure your child eats something nutritious before the snacks, and don’t give in when they cry for more. You can also tell well-meaning relatives that you are the parents and “we got this.” Don’t let a few hours of a holiday party disrupt the thoughtful routine you implement at home.
4. Find balance and be OK with creating your standards. If your child is in a crowded room and overstimulated, it's OK to let them get some solo time to decompress. Please don't force them to be in situations where they are uncomfortable. If others have an issue with your parenting, so be it. It’s your family, your child, and your standards. Stick to what works for you.
5. Create space to talk with your child in advance. Many parents are surprised when I tell them that parenting can feel like a team sport. However, talking before the holiday is helpful for the entire family, especially other siblings who might feel irritated or annoyed with their neurodivergent sibling’s behavior. Together, you can set guidelines, make lists, read a related story or book, and work to manage expectations, even in a small way. Setting guidelines and rules allows you to have something to look back on and review with your child as the evening progresses. These exercises are so helpful for children, especially those who are neurodivergent – but also for those who aren’t.

I look forward to sharing more tips with you in the new year to help you support and guide your neurodivergent child. It all starts with you. And if you take away anything from this post, let it be this: Your child may not remember what they got as a gift, but they will remember how you, as a parent, treated them.