Why Are We Reluctant to Ask Why?

We stop asking the question "Why?" about the time we begin to think we understand it all. This usually occurs in adolescence. Once the adolescent attitudes begin to mature into adulthood, it should be time to begin asking why again. Once the realization occurs that no one has all knowledge, it should become easier to ask questions — including why questions. Yet, we are told that the question "why" will shut down the person being asked and so you should avoid it. What else might it shut down?

In my work, I’ve always been told that I should avoid asking the question "why." I was told it makes people uncomfortable. Yet, we all begin our lives as young children by asking why about anything, such as, “Why are there so many people who don’t know me?" "What does ‘kind’ mean?" or "Why do trees just stand there?" Other questions are a daily occurrence. And as one author put it, "One day the flow of questions will stop, but of course even as adults, we’re still searching for the answers.”[1]

Children like to know why things are as they are. What am I saying? All of us like to know why things are as they are. Yet, for some reason, we stop asking why. Fortunately, scientists are always asking this question, which is why we understand so much about the universe. Deep down, the question of why comes from our curious nature to know more about something.

The effect is that people stop asking questions. If you have to edit your question so as not to ask "why," does it also edit your thinking so that you eventually stop thinking?

When I teach graduate students, I use their questions as a measure of their thinking. Eventually, they have to write or do something, but up to then, the best measure is their questions. Even a comment in class can reflect reading from somewhere else. I am interested in what the student is thinking for themselves. So, I listen to their questions the first signal of how they are thinking.

Assuming for the moment that what I am saying has relevance, I have to believe that if my students or audience are not asking questions, it must be that someone or something suggested that asking questions was a dangerous pursuit.

How often have I met a leader who says, “Remember, there are no stupid questions.” When I hear that, I am not inspired to ask anything. Once I recognized this in myself, I began to change the way I asked for questions during class or after a speech. As a result, I say something like, “A question just means you want more information. What more would you like me to explore?” I hope that says I’m really interested in learning what others are looking for. It's so easy — so why do people still feel reluctant to ask why?

How can you ask the question "why" without the "why?"

Let’s look at some examples. Maybe the reluctance to ask why questions is because some people use that question as an easy way to put an issue on the table ("Why can’t these politicians solve global warming?"). Or we might use why questions to appear smart ("Why did we choose this product?"). Or they want to derail a meeting by asking a question that has already been answered ("Why have you called this meeting?"). Or they are too lazy to explore in their minds what they are really interested in knowing ("Why?"). Or they don’t want to take any responsibility in the answer ("Why am I spending my time here?"). I suspect you have heard these kinds of questions. No wonder the warning is given.

Hopefully, as we become more experienced, we learn how to ask the "why" question indirectly. Moreover, we can ask so that we become involved in the answer. This says that while I am asking a question, it is because I am a part of the conversation and part of the answer as well. For example, “What you are saying is [use your favorite word, e.g., exciting, interesting, fascinating] to hear. Please tell me the steps that led you to this conclusion.” By sweetly asking the question "why" while taking away the judgment and putting ourselves in the middle of the answer, we may even bring the question to a deeper level.

Using the earlier examples, let’s see how they can be shifted as well so that the judgment dimension is diminished or eliminated entirely.

Reason for asking why is to put an issue on the table

Original "why": Why can’t these politicians solve global warming?

Alternative question: I’m curious about the deeper concerns that hold politicians back from addressing global warming.

Effect: This approach shifts the conversation to one that is not judgmental and might actually be helpful by exploring another dimension.

Reason for asking why is to appear smart

Original "why": Why did we choose this product?

Alternative question: This product looked good in the beginning. As I review the original reasons for doing so, they are coming up short. How do others see the decision?

Effect: This approach brings more voices to the concern without judgment.

Reason for asking "why" is to derail a meeting by asking a question that has already been answered

Original "why": Why have you called this meeting?

Alternative question: I’m confused; would you please remind me of our purpose for this meeting?

Effect: This approach puts you in a vulnerable posture (I’m confused) which removes judgment from the question and frees the leader to review the purpose and its reasoning.

Reason for asking "why" is to avoid thinking of what they are really interested in knowing

Original "why": Why?

Alternative question: Can you tell me more about (fill in the blank)?

Effect: This approach tells the speaker you are not just interrupting but interested in something specific.

Reason for asking "why" is to remove any responsibility in the answer

Original "why": Why am I spending my time here?

Alternative question: I feel I can’t contribute to the objectives of this meeting. Please tell me what you hope I bring to this meeting?

Effect: This approach can actually elicit the real purpose of your presence and may even catch you out as, hopefully, the expected contribution may be reasonable and appropriate.

Is there more to be lost if we don’t ask?

In not asking why, I wonder if we have also stopped asking questions in general. Are we living on assumptions we made years ago? Are we basing our actions on previous experiences and never questioning that those early experiences no longer exist? Or are we satisfied only to ask who did something, when did that happen, or how can I get that refund? These are all practical questions, but are we losing opportunities to learn more deeply as we carefully avoid asking why and curb and limit the kinds of questions we ask? Ask yourself if you are stunting your thinking as well.

One of the practices that I recommend to those who wish to enhance their resilience is to ask questions. Asking questions is the first step to nurturing curiosity and pushing our knowledge to a new level — and in-depth knowledge is a trait of resilient people. Curiosity, after all, it’s the engine of learning.

Is there something you can do right now?

We’ve seen that asking questions — especially the right questions, can lead to a new understanding of an issue that may have been obscured by confusing facts, conflicting opinions, or obsolete assumptions. If there is one lesson I have learned is that I need to be asking more questions; even challenging myself to see if I can ask a better question, a more important question, or a question that will deepen the conversation and challenge even my own thinking.

Powerful questions are really doorways leading toward the more resilient and vibrant life you want to lead.

In any event, asking questions, along with enhancing resilience, opens possibilities. And when we are in a moment when we have been pummeled by the unexpected, it’s great to be ready with more possibilities from which to choose our response — resiliently.

Think of a time when you encountered something that simply piqued your curiosity. You just had to learn more. Perhaps it was when you met a new person over a Zoom call who said something intriguing. Think about how you realized the questions that were bubbling up in your mind. Think about what you did to satisfy the questions — or not! Spend time today looking at the world from the perspective of what more might you like to know about what you are seeing. What assumptions are you making that might have snuffed out your curiosity? Formulate questions that would tell you what you would like to know. At the end of the day, consider how differently you saw the world through curious eyes.

I’d love to hear about your experiences of asking questions that carry no judgment. Please comment here, and I’ll join the conversation.