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It’s that time again for New Year’s resolutions—the time when gym memberships surge, members turn up, people vow to use their Fitbits, and the adherence to whatever the latest diet craze takes hold.
The problem is that the first few weeks or months, everyone is powered up with motivation to change their habits and then that "poops out." There can be a week of more work that makes it hard to get to the gym or late night meals that break the diet you held in the last few weeks. This is to be expected, and how you respond to that moment, or how critical you are of yourself, can make or break your return to the gym or a way of eating that you had hoped would help your health.
Research shows that motivation affects behavior change, which is the key to get the benefit of these new habits. (Consistency, which means basically more often, as opposed to 100% of the time, is what works because it is possible to maintain over time. This is what helps us to reap the rewards.) The research also shows that we as humans are motivated more by positive than by negative messages. The irony is that many of us humans tend to be highly self-critical and believe that these critical messages will get us to the gym! Unfortunately, not so. The following is one of hundreds of examples of the way our negative and critical inner voices end up sabotaging our efforts, as opposed to a more positive sense of self, which ends up leaving us less vulnerable to giving up on efforts to change, (i.e. taking up an exercise program). A more gentle, forgiving attitude of self-acceptance is needed when we don’t do these things “perfectly” and have understandable moments or days of relapsing into older habits that we’re trying to change.
The other day one of my patients said that she made a New Year’s resolution to get back into exercise. She dug out her kids' old Wii game, set it up, and created her "avatar," or "little person” she herself designed, to motivate and speak to her. Then she described a moment when she turned on the game, stepped up on the platform, and heard this person say: “You’ve gained five pounds, and you haven't worked out in three months!”
My patient recounted that this “little person" (which she had, in fact, designed!) had totally psyched her out! She said that she immediately stepped off the platform, feeling totally discouraged and hasn’t gotten back on since.
I thought to myself: "Do we not have enough of an inner critic? Do we really need that outside person, friend, or neighbor saying: "Now dear, you really have gained some weight?" "Really? Geez, I hadn't noticed, thanks for the help!"
How you take that criticism, how you handle the accusation, whether it is self-directed or from the outside; how you handle failing or feeling that you are failing will have a huge impact on your motivation and ability to be consistent in your goals. Some people can shrug their shoulders and take self-criticism in stride, some people are motivated by harsh self-criticism. When the criticism becomes excessive, however, often the only response is to duck and cover: basic avoidance of that critic by shutting down. Usually, vis-a-vis dieting, it goes like this: "I blew it so I will start again tomorrow. Better not really notice or think about what I am eating now." Total shut down from that voice that is noticing what you are eating and berating you. All that conscious eating, counting points, calories, carbs whatever—out the window. Anyone out there ever start and then stop a diet? How many times, right?
I would argue, however, that feeling like you are failing is part of life. Making mistakes, messing up, not succeeding in exactly the way you had imagined it to be or had set out to be is absolutely part and parcel of any effort and achievement.
Okay, I know failure is not exactly a headline-grabber or a word that we like to use. Well, I am here to take feeling like a failure out of the closet. Again, it is totally normal, and you can bet that the person you admire most in the world has felt it too—in fact, not just felt it, but achieved it. I would venture to say that most successful people have failed multiple times. The difference is that they keep trying.
Your failures are data; this information will help you adapt and modify your efforts. You will learn what you need to about the situation, about yourself, and how you can make the necessary adjustments to create small successes. This will keep you going.
In the book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about the 10,000 hours: the time it takes to be able to do things well, to succeed. What is barely mentioned, however, is how those people who are able to put in those 10,000 hours cope with the days they feel they have failed. I would put money on the idea that they don't feel successful every moment of those 10,000 hours, but they are able to handle their failures, their disappointments without abandoning their efforts entirely.
What is talked about in the book is the concept of delayed gratification. We know that you have to be motivated to show up and keep working to get to the gratification piece. That is the key: How do you stay motivated to show up and keep up your efforts in the face of difficulty, failures, disappointments?
Given that failure is kind of built in to a lot of dieting history, plenty of people have lost and gained the same 10, 20, even 150 pounds over many years. I would venture to say that we are primed to feel like we are failing the moment things start to go badly. Okay, let's say it: "fail."
So how do we keep up the efforts in the face of failure, like those outliers—to put in those 10,000 hours to ensure success? A lot of how you self-talk and respond to your inner critic in the face of failure will have to do with how you handle a bad day on a diet, and then how you put in the time.
Typical scenario:
You've joined the gym. You've even been working out with a trainer or signed up and started going to those classes. You feel great! You've changed some of your eating habits, even started that new diet that everyone's talking about and it is terrific. You've been doing it for a month, and you've noticed your body changing. You've lost eight, maybe even 10 lbs.
Then you notice that the weight isn't coming off so fast. You have a day when you are desperate to eat without thinking, without measuring, without counting, without being conscious, and boom! There you are. You wake up the next day, feeling like crap.
You say to yourself: "I have totally blown it. I will definitely start my diet tomorrow, but given how much I ate last night, I might as well 'let go' today too, and I will definitely re-start tomorrow. Forget the gym today."
You spend that day eating all the things you don't let yourself have and you don't let yourself notice how full you are because you know that tomorrow you are back to the regime. What's another day?
You go back to the gym and you get on the scale. You, of course, expect that you've gained weight, but the next few days you are "good." But you step on the scale four days later, and the weight still hasn't budged. You're really getting pissed now and starting to think that this whole gym thing isn't working. And this diet is obviously not working either. You feel totally discouraged. Your motivation is down, you feel like a failure, and you again are feeling fat, even though the same weight two weeks ago felt thin. (In fact, it was thinner than you had been in five years!)
This happens to be one of the most common places that people tend to lose their motivation. Their enthusiasm for the diet and exercise wanes as the result doesn't seem to be coming and what is that word again? "Failure!"
How you self-talk in the face of your inner mean girl or guy will have a direct result on your ability to get back to your efforts. If you are brutal to yourself, it is likely that you will totally shut down and want to avoid this whole thing entirely. Face it, here you have failed again, just like all those other times!
Some options to consider:
"I needed that time off and I am going to see it as restorative. If I keep this up I am likely to continue losing as I had been doing before."
"I know I have failed at this a million other times, but I think I need to change my current plan. I can't get to the gym more than 2 times a week, so I will also walk to work one day."
"I need to build in more carbs because I can't live like this. I know that if I eat the bread I love every day but don't overeat it, I can probably balance things."
Small changes, and adapting your goals, keeps your motivation up as you achieve them. Always re-evaluate your diet and your fitness program to tweak things to fit your life and help you stay consistent. A few tips:
Predict the plateau.
Expect to poop out some weeks, not just with your diet but also with your attempts at exercise. Predict them. Build them in. Leave room for days here and there where you feel you need to eat more than usual and hang out on the couch. Your body and mind need breaks. Let them energize you; don't use them as an excuse to stop your efforts entirely
Predict a day of eating what you haven't allowed yourself.
Particularly if it is a food you can't live without. At least knowing you can have it maybe once a week will help you from shoving it down your throat, thinking it's your last supper, as you make promises to resume your low- or no-carb diet tomorrow. If limiting this food works for you, great. If it doesn't, give it to yourself every day and then see if you really want to have it, or have less of it. It is always there tomorrow. Yes, you can lose weight while eating the foods you love.
Make modifications and change your expectations for yourself if you are failing.
Change some of your goals. You might have started off too big and are overwhelmed. Changing the plan to fit you is what is going to help you keep it going. Don't worry about the endpoint. Small bits really do add up, and again, consistency is key. Your goals will keep adapting as you keep succeeding.
Most importantly, you are the boss and the expert on what will work for you because you know yourself and your life.
Quick story: The other day a friend was telling me how fantastic she has been feeling having cut out all carbs and sugars for a few months. No bloating ever, no weight gain, she feels fantastic! Despite all my anti-diet preaching and beliefs, for a moment I started to think about how maybe I should try this. Hey, maybe I wouldn't wake up feeling bloated or puffy when I eat whatever these things are that make you puffy and bloated. I have to tell you guys, no sooner did I even have the thought to try this did I find myself stuffing candy and bread down my throat. I was starving! What on earth was this, I was wondering after the second day. I was not just failing at cutting out carbs and sugar, but hey, that was all I was eating!
I simply had to laugh. I think I was failing this diet big time. And I hadn't even started. The minute I realized that this was not going to be a good idea for me, I resumed my usual eating, which feels by and large successful to me. An 80-20 balance: it's good enough.
I will live with my puffy days.
Happy eating!
