Parenting in a Changed World

In considering how to raise a grieving child we always need to ask what is happening in a parent's life at this time. Parents are also grieving.

To help a child a parent needs to understand what all this means for him or her as well. What do parents have to deal with if it is their spouse who has died? We can talk about their feelings, their sadness, their sense of feeling lost and of not knowing that the sun will shine tomorrow or if there is hope for a future for themselves and their children. At a time when they may be least able to be reflective and thoughtful about their personal reactions they need to be thoughtful and empathic in responding to their children's needs. What would be most helpful to the surviving parent of dependent children as they try to deal with these contradictory demands they are living with? I have written before that when looking at grief we need to recognize not only the painful feelings that come after a death, but we need to recognize, as well, the changes in their lives that follow this death. We need to look beyond their feelings to the larger social context in which the surviving parent lives. One way of doing this is to ask what is lost? This helps us understand the nature of the change that is taking place. It also becomes important to ask who died, was it the husband or the wife? A critical member of the family is gone and they are now a single parent head of household as a result of the death of a parent. This was not a way of life anyone was looking for. The end of this marriage was not something anyone wanted. The world the family took for granted is different. The way decisions were made for the family no longer worked. One mother said: "I suddenly realized that I had to make all the decisions by myself. There was no one to talk with who had the same interest in our children and what was going on in their lives." There is now an extra chair at the table at meal time. A mother said: "at first we ate in the living room so we didn't have to look at the chair. We soon learned this didn't really work very well, and we finally realized we could take turns and each night someone else sat in my husband's place and this felt better". Who was there when the children came home from school? A father was pleased to learn that:"I could collect my wife's social security and this provided me with enough money to pay a baby sitter to be with the children after school until I came home from work. I had learned to cook while my wife was sick and after she died I found that the best time to do my shopping was while I had a baby sitter at home. Going shopping with 3 children under the age of 12 was too hectic and took too long".

Change takes place in how the family now supports itself. If there were two incomes then there is a reduction in the amount of money available. One mother reassured her teen age son who wanted to quit school to go to work to support the family: " Daddy didn't leave us with a lot of money but we have enough to pay the rent and if we budget carefully we will get by. Maybe you can get a part time job after school for your spending money. He wanted you to finish school and that is very important". If the family's health insurance came through the deceased's employment then the family has now lost its coverage. One mother talked about her panic: "I felt very lucky I could get a part time job with enough hours to get coverage and our oldest child in high school came home to be with his younger siblings on days that I had to work late". These are new facts on the ground that bring about critical changes in the way the surviving family lives together and how they see themselves.

A key question is how prepared are widowed parents of dependent children to deal with change? This change can involve developing a new way of looking at the world, at how they live in it, and lead to a new sense of self as well. This seems to me to be an invariable part of living. It happens to all of use as we grow and as we age.It happens as we watch our children develop, and move on. It is perhaps more gradual at such times and we are not always as aware of it until after it has happened. With the death of a spouse, especially when there are children at home, it is sudden, even if the death was expected, and it requires a more conscious awareness of what needs doing.