Do You Have “Contender Syndrome”?

It is reasonable to believe that the graying of America and the rest of the world has something to do with the changing nature of success. Ken Dychtwald, perhaps the country’s foremost expert on older people, has long possessed a keen read on the role of both personal and professional success over the course of a lifetime. Many older folks had followed paths in their lives that proved to be disappointing, he found in researching the area, a result of paying too much heed to traditional standards of success. Regrets of staying at the job for many years that one didn’t really enjoy were not unusual, as were feelings that one didn’t marry the right person.

Overall, Dychtwald’s research showed that a good number of people past the age of 65 had come to the conclusion that they had not pursued their passions or taken enough risks to the degree they should have, leading him to believe that our notion of success was askew. According to Dychtwald, we need to rethink the rules of success, and what’s really important in life.

Dychtwald’s grasp of the long view remains quite helpful given our collective tendency to focus on current but often fleeting definitions of success. As young adults try to carve out their respective niche, it’s easy to be attracted to the signifiers of status, wealth, and power, but often difficult to switch to a different track after gaining a certain amount of one or more of these.

It’s particularly sad to conclude, at some point, that one has missed big opportunities or even wasted one’s life, a realization that may be more common than we might recognize. Rather than trying to acquire more of whatever we happen to desire at the time, it’s in our best interests to strive for “personal growth, loving relationships, genuine happiness, purpose in work, and a contribution to the greater good,” Dychtwald argued, as wise as any words written on the subject.

While having more than a few regrets in life borders on the tragic, what Abby Ellin called “contender syndrome” is another unwelcome presence within one’s emotional state relating to success. The sense that one hasn’t lived up to one’s full potential is a disturbing feeling, especially when comparing one’s list of achievements to those of others.

Ellin, writing for Psychology Today in 2010, readily admitted that she suffered from the condition when measuring her success against that of the rich and famous. “I coulda been a contender,” Marlon Brando’s character Terry Malloy famously said in the 1954 movie On the Waterfront, fully aware that he had fallen short of what he could have been had things turned out differently.

When Ellin wrote her piece, therapists were seeing more people suffering from “contender syndrome,” a result perhaps of the comparative nature of social media. Just reading an alumni magazine could be a depressing experience, leaving the impression that one was a major underachiever based on the apparent super-lives of former classmates.

Even many of those whose futures appear very promising when they were in high school appeared to be suffering from contender syndrome. For decades, many high schools across the country voted one of their classmates “Most Likely to Succeed,” making the election a kind of teenage American ritual. In recent years, however, more schools have put an end to the practice, with administrators concluding that too much pressure came along with the honor.

Indeed, there was research showing that a fair number of those who had won the title came to see it more as a curse than a blessing. One couldn’t help but wonder whether one was living up to the label, a fair share of “Most Likelys” reported, this constant questioning a burden that also-rans did not have to carry around. Expectations ran high for winners in this particular category, something not true for those voted as “Most Popular” or “Best Looking.”

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It was easy to see how individuals who had not gone on to become rich or famous or reach the top of their profession often felt like failures after being branded as a future success at an early age. Journalist Sue Shellenbarger has thought about the notion of success and having to be perfect. Interestingly, she also found that it was people who were able to change their definition of success over time that did not find the recognition they received as high school seniors to be a cross to bear. Teenagers tend to think of success in terms of money and celebrity, while more evolved adults understand that there are many alternative ways to measure achievements in life such as relationships, experiences, happiness, parenting, and contribution to society.

As well, everyone has their own arc in life, it’s important to remember, making it unfair to judge a person’s success quotient at a certain moment in time. Still, high school reunions can be a night from hell for those who had been voted “Most Likely to Succeed,” with nastier former classmates not above asking, “So exactly where did it go wrong for you?”