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Relationships
4 Tips for Giving Holiday Gifts
Giving is a skill that we can practise, and it’s not too late for this year.
Posted December 19, 2021 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Gifts can bring joy, but not giving is sometimes a good idea; gifts can set up burdensome obligations.
- If you give, remember that giving is about the giver as much as the recipient.
- There are no rules about what to give: objects, experiences, emotions, nothing.
We love to give. The holidays will see a frenzy of giving. Some gifts will be thoughtful, sensitive and beautiful. Others will be dutiful and lacklustre. Most will be somewhere in between.
In view of the time and resources that we devote to giving, it is useful to reflect on how we select and give holiday gifts. Can we do it better? Should we do it at all?
Here are four tips for successful, sensitive giving that really means something.
The gift of not giving
First, do you really need to give a gift? Not giving is sometimes a good idea. Useless objects create clutter and damage the planet. Unwanted gifts set up burdensome obligations. A gift often generates an obligation to reciprocate. Why add to the holiday burdens of people you barely know? Or those you love? Restraint can be a silent gift, but a welcome one.
Second, if you decide to give, remember that giving is as much about the giver as the recipient. Many people spend a great deal of time figuring out what the recipient of a gift might secretly want. This is impossible to know with certainty.
It is best to see a gift as an interaction between two people. The gift should reflect aspects of both the giver and the recipient. There are two people in the relationship.
Ralph Waldo Emerson was right: “The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.” The best gifts I have received were things that I did not know I wanted, but reflected an aspect of the giver. This means selecting a gift that not only takes account of the recipient, but also takes account of you, the giver: What do you feel happy to offer as a reflection of yourself, in the context of this relationship?
What to give
There are no rigid rules about what to give. Some people love objects, and fill their homes with them. Other people value experiences above all, and will really use the kite-surfing lesson you buy for them. (I will not.)
Yet other people treasure emotions more than anything. These people appreciate the gift of a visit, a quiet walk, or a shared task.
Martin Luther King, Jr said that “life’s most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?” Sometimes, doing is giving.
Ignore these tips if that seems like the right thing to do. There are no rules about what to give, or when. Give what feels right to you. Or, to return to our starting point, maybe do not give a gift at all. Other things might mean more than a traditional present: Time spent listening is one way to give and receive at the same time. It always works.
Relationships matter more than objects, people more than things. Giving might be the gift that keeps on giving, but holidays are about people, the gift that never ends.
