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Key points
- Every parent could use more support, but the real people in our lives are often busy.
- Our friends and family may also be less than perfectly supportive sometimes.
- The answer is imaginary friends for grown-ups.
It's great to have people who support us in our parenting, such as friends, family, role models, folks online who offer inspiration, and professionals.
But real-life people are busy sometimes. They have other obligations. Humans are imperfect and don't always say the right thing at the right time.
So how can we have a magical support person who is available 24/7, is always eager and willing to be there, always says exactly what is needed in every situation, and doesn't need bathroom breaks or breaks from us when we are too much?
That seems impossible, right?
But no, it's easy, as long as we open our arms to what I like to call "imaginary friends for grown-ups." Like a toddler's lovey, a young child's favorite stuffed animal, or an older child's imaginary friend, we can call on someone who never tires, falls short and is never too busy for us.
It might be a beloved grandmother who passed away, but you can still talk to her picture on the wall anytime you wish or talk to her in your head. My Auntie Clare was the nicest person I ever met, and I always knew she loved me. So, even though she passed away many years ago, I can still imagine her nearby to counter the voices of self-criticism when they sneak into my head.
Your imaginary friend could be Mama Bear, who reminds you to be fierce and protective of your children even though you may not have had a parent who fiercely protected you when you needed it. Your imaginary friend may be based on a real live person, but in your imagination, they are with you anytime you call on them—and they are free from the limitations of that real person.
It could be a historical figure or a fictional character. At one period in my life—when I needed more inner strength than I felt I had—I often evoked the companionship of Cyrano de Bergerac, who inspired me with one of his best lines: "I feel too strong to fight mortal men, bring me, giants."
Like the build-a-bear concept for creating your perfect stuffed animal companion, some people start with a basic building block of someone who provided some support but fell short in other ways. As an imaginary friend, they can evolve into higher beings who provide real support. My real grandmother could sometimes be critical, but the archetypal Grandma in my mind always has positive vibes.
If you believe in guardian angels or like the idea of them, then call on yours to be by your side at bedtime when you are exhausted, and your children are uncooperative, or hear them whisper encouragement when you are short on hope.
You can talk to your imaginary friend silently or out loud, depending on the situation and your tolerance for people thinking you are strange. They can speak to you, or they can speak through you.
For example, when I evoked De Bergerac, I imagined him shouting loudly and triumphantly that he was willing to fight giants on my behalf. When I am frustrated with someone, I evoke the spirit of Mr. Rogers and try to find understanding and empathy the way he would.
Finding your friend
If you like this idea of imaginary friends for grown-ups but don't know who to choose, you can start by thinking of five key areas crucial to parenting: nurturing, protection, playfulness, listening, and wisdom.
Take a moment to carefully think about each of these, one at a time.
Who comes to mind for nurturing? What real person, living or dead or historical, what fictional character, what archetypal figure, what animal?
If you draw a blank, take a few minutes to sit with that blankness and see if anyone arises. If not, build your super-nurturing imaginary friend from scratch.
Do the same for protectiveness. Who protected you when you were young and in danger? Who would have protected you if they had been there? Who could protect you, at least in the realm of imagination, when you face fears and dangers today?
How about playfulness? Maybe river otters, leopard cubs, or a grown-up who hung out with you when you were young instead of hanging out with all the boring adults.
Did you have anyone listen to you well? If not, who do you imagine would be the world's best listener? Speak to them in your mind and see how well they listen. Who offered you words of wisdom? (Not unwanted advice, but true wisdom.) Who saw the wisdom in you?
Once you have your imaginary friend or friendship group, make sure to access their strength and support whenever you need it.
