Are You All About the Negative?

Source: Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash

Do you know someone who says something negative about just about everything? It could be the most amazing, rich, creamy ice cream in the world, and this person would say it's too cold?

People who are quick to criticize are also usually expert blamers. In their view, people who make mistakes are stupid (or worse), and when things don't work, they are made slipshod (even though it might be that the individual didn't know how to work it). This person may be negative about him or herself too. While it's difficult to have fun with someone who tends to focus on the negative, this person is in a lot of pain. Maybe this person could be you?

Hostility is one way that emotionally sensitive people protect themselves, like wearing a suit of armor. They criticize, criticize, and criticize some more. The world, other people, and things are to blame for whatever goes wrong. They tend to be problem-creators rather than problem-solvers, reacting and complaining to whatever isn't just right. This can be off-putting, to say the least. At the same time, the person who expresses the negative and struggles to see the positive is often someone who is depressed and lonely.

Some may criticize themselves harshly, in addition to others or instead of others. They are often trying to block anticipated criticism from other people. If they say the worst about themselves, then there's nothing for anyone else to say.

If you tend to do this, you may have learned it from a parent or caregiver who behaved in that way. Or maybe you learned to blame and criticize to protect yourself from a critical or blaming parent. Maybe making mistakes wasn't acceptable in your family. Blaming or criticizing someone or something could serve to help you feel safer, perhaps protect you in some way. You don't have to listen to feedback about yourself if you find ways to block it.

Blaming others and things is a part of a negative pattern of viewing the world: "It's not my fault, that tree shouldn't have been that close to the road," or "Why did you leave your glass there, where it would get knocked over?" Blaming yourself is a negative pattern too: "I can't do anything right," "Nobody would ever want to be my friend, I have nothing to offer," etc.

The problem is that a pattern of hostility may seem to keep you safe, but it also makes it difficult to truly be close to others. It makes it difficult to grow as a person too. Being open and accepting of making mistakes and not blaming others is part of a healthy, intimate relationship and part of how you learn and grow.

When you have a blaming pattern of communicating, it's not safe for others to get close. The armor that can seem like it is protecting you may actually be keeping you isolated and perhaps be creating anxious and depressed moods.

This negative pattern may be one you aren't aware of. Often individuals are surprised that they make as many blaming or negative statements as they do. If you wonder if you might be doing that, try counting the number of critical or negative statements you make over three or four days.

If you find that you may be communicating in negative ways, it's a pattern you can change. Make it a point to voice positive statements. Every time you catch yourself making a negative or critical statement about yourself or others, then push yourself to look for the positive too. Also, for 30 days, try not complaining about anything. Nothing. You can problem-solve, figure out solutions, but don't complain or criticize. After 30 days, review the results for yourself.