Relationships Require Vulnerability to Survive

I'm a sucker for reality television. One show that I really like is called "Married at First Sight." In this show, people who have had trouble finding a romantic partner agree to be partnered by a panel of experts. They never meet each other until their wedding day. The audience gets to watch them submit to interviews, sees a tour of their homes, and observes their preparation for the big day.

It's a "modern-day twist on arranged marriage," and we watch them meet each other for the first time at the altar! Then, they go on a honeymoon, come back and move in, and try to figure out how to navigate this new person into their lives. It's like a regular relationship, except sped up and put under intense pressure.

After watching several seasons, I've noticed several things that keep coming up. The one I'd like to talk about in this post is the difficulty that some people have with making themselves vulnerable. This is a serious concern for these couples. If a couple is going to survive and thrive, they are going to need to open themselves up and make themselves vulnerable.

They have to be willing to express how they feel and risk the other person not reciprocating. They have to tell the story of their childhoods and risk the other person not sympathizing or finding it interesting. They need to become comfortable asking for what they want in the relationship and risk their partner refusing to give it to them. Without this scary willingness to disclose, the relationship will inevitably plateau.

In an excellent article from 2006, researchers investigated the mechanics of relationships, and explained that certain people come into relationships with insecurities and/or "pessimistic models of relationships." When such people (maybe that's you?) encounter potentially negative partner behaviors, they are more likely to interpret them as signs that their partner has lost interest in them. This interpretation can lead to a defensive desire to attack or withdraw, in order to avoid the feeling of being abandoned or rejected.

The fight that ensues is the person's attempt to protect himself, and in turn, leads to ruptures in the relationship that can bring about the demise that the person fears. A self-fulfilling prophecy!

Take exhibit A: Brandon and Taylor met during the current season. On one occasion, Brandon was upset about the constant cameras following him around and blew up at the production crew. Taylor pulled him aside and said, "When you act aggressive like that, that is not a person that I want to be married to. I want everyone to see the sweet, caring Brandon that I see when we're off-camera." What did Brandon hear? "I don't want to be married to you." That's it. And what happened next? Brandon cursed Taylor out, and disappeared for several days. He didn't respond to phone calls or texts. In his mind, he was leaving her before she had a chance to leave him.

These kinds of self-fulfilling prophecies happen all the time in relationships. Perhaps you were cheated on in the past. It hurt to be disrespected like that. "Never again!" you might have told yourself. A new partner comes along. A clean slate, you say? Rather, an empty canvas to paint your pessimistic expectations into the background of the portrait you are creating. When you go in for a kiss, and she turns her head, you don't know that it's because she thinks her breath smells bad. You assume that it's because she doesn't love you. Or because she has a secret love, and she's saving her kisses for him.

You go to a party, and your partner leaves you standing alone while he talks to his friends. Does he mean any ill intent? Perhaps not. But your first inclination is to wonder if he's cheating on you with any of his friends. Or, you think, maybe he's embarrassed to be seen with you!

You storm over and make a scene, saying, "I want to leave!" You force him to choose you over his friends. He will probably pack up and take you home, but he won't like it. Your fear that he's losing interest brings about over-the-top reactions that weaken the relationship, and possibly bring about the very outcome you are trying to avoid.

I'll let the authors say it: "Anxious individuals may choose hostile or punishing behavior, at least in part, to control their partner’s behavior and prevent similar transgressions in the future. And, although expressions of anger may be a functional protest to an attachment figure’s lack of responsiveness, insecure individuals—who may feel they lack control over others’ behavior—may be prone to dysfunctional expressions of anger and destructive behavior that may ultimately weaken attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1973, 1988; Mikulincer, 1998b)."

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This is a difficult lesson for all of us to learn. We are prone to react to attacks on our dignity—whether real or imagined—with defensive combativeness. And if we're insecure about our value to begin with, we're more likely to interpret any suboptimal reaction from our partner as evidence that the whole thing is about to come crashing down. As a therapist once reminded me, it's important for all of us to keep in mind that our past is in the past, and that, no matter what we've been told before, we are "precious and worth loving." Believing that, and acting consistent with it, is the key to a successful relationship.